John Travolta Touches Our Hearts…Among Other Things

A Post By: Michael Gallo

Some of you may have heard that the Barnyard Lampoon is shutting down. Some of you may have heard we’re ready to quit, to throw in the towel.

I’m writing this to tell you, the people of the world (the Barnyard Lampoon has an overwhelming and confusing international presence, that’s no joke) that we’re not going away. We’re not giving up. Not yet.

I think a lot of frustration stemmed from the fact that we never really added another writer. But after dealing with several things in my life, including the death of someone I knew in high school, I was left asking myself “who gives a flying fuck?” Cody DiCavalcante and I are the real consistent writers for the BL, and if we have to carry this by ourselves, we will. Who knows what the future holds. Maybe there’s a new writer in our future, one who can tolerate same sex monkey posts and posts that would leave an absurdist scratching his head. And when we do find that writer, the wait will be worth it.

Two major events helped me to reach this conclusion.

The first being a high school commencement ceremony where the commencement speaker spoke of the bravery of Helen Keller. Expecting a high caliber Helen Keller joke, I listened attentively. But she only spoke of the amazing odds Helen Keller overcame to speak, read, and write. And here I was not writing because we didn’t have as many writers as I would like.

The second event occurred when I discovered a Hispanic construction worker pissing into an empty paint can near a college campus. He kept peeing. I didn’t know what to say. He looked startled. I laughed and left.

So inspired by these events, we’re going to make some changes. The changes will be very simple. We’re going to cut the bullshit and get a lot more honest. No more “writers from prison” and all this other made up shit. It’s us. What you’re reading is authentic. We’re going to go back to the things that got us readers in the first place; making fun of the stupid shit that happens in this world on a daily basis. Which leads me to my next point.

Thank you, John Travolta. The notable actor who has played such characters as Danny Zucko, and Tony Manero went into a massage parlor and said, “Boom, this is me without a towel. This is ME. Now how about some bonus?” The resulting media firestorm was nothing short of spectacular! “Is John Travolta gay?” asked everyone. No, he just solicits sexual favors from male masseuses because he loves women THAT much. Give me a break. Here’s why this situation is stupid:

-John Travolta is an A list actor. He’s big time. To think that he could tell a male masseuse to rub him to greater glory is an absolutely ridiculous thought that only a man who’s been dealing with a lifetime of closeted sexual desires could concoct.

-“Is he gay?” What a stupid fucking question. If these massage parlor guys aren’t making up the entire situation, then it seems pretty clear. More importantly though, who gives a shit? What the hell does it matter? If he’s gay, he’s gay. That doesn’t make him more or less talented or take away from his charitable efforts. However, it does mean that by 2041 he should be able to marry a refrigerator in the state of California.

-But most important of all, this situation has reminded me that stupid shit is going to happen every day until I’m buried deep in the cold ground. And I love it. Most people are pathetic excuses for functioning humans. And someone needs to remind those of us who can still put a coherent thought together of the stupidity in this world. My last girlfriend did enough stupid shit for AT LEAST 5 more posts. I can’t waste that. She slapped me in the face with a hand covered in a liquid that would make you cringe. RESPECT THAT!

So we’re back. No more elaborate Barnyard Lampoon bullshit events and prison riots. We’re going to get back to personal, comical, offensive things. The Barnyard Lampoon isn’t a running storyline. People should be able to read Thursday’s post and not be confused because they didn’t read Monday’s post. That’s not how we operate. We tried. It didn’t work. You can’t confuse people and expect to succeed. But unlike Newt Gingrich, we’re still here. And unlike Newt Gingrich I was able to figure out how to dish out gas on the cheap. It involves super cheap fish tacos from a convenience store near 11th and Troost. Let’s just leave it at that. We look forward to you reading our stuff in the future. And maybe…we can have children together. The future is bright.

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