A Post By: Michael Gallo
For my daily lunch break I often go back to my apartment, which is just a short four minutes away from where I work. Once home, I typically make myself a peanut butter bagel, grab some carrot sticks and watch some Sportscenter.
BL Reader: Wow, that’s fucking lame. What else do you do, talk to your 6 house cats?
No overly critical BL reader, I don’t own 6 house cats. But I agree, this can be pretty lame. So today, I decided I was going to do something different. I was going to spice up my life with some Chicken of the Sea! For the first time ever, I was going to eat tuna.
I bought a can of tuna from a local grocer on my way back to my apartment. Once home, I noticed that any electronic device that came within 10 feet of the can turned off. I shook this off. If I had a dollar for every time a canned good turned off an electronic device, I’d have like 6 bucks.
When I opened the can it began humming. Concerned, but still hungry, I pressed on. As I dug in with my fork, I also noticed the can of tuna was glowing with a neon green light. My concern neither ebbed nor increased. I loaded a six-month-old saltine with a large chunk of tuna and downed the whole thing. It was like swallowing a hot ball of hair. The humming I had previously noticed could now be felt in my stomach and my mouth tasted like pennies and squirrel urine (yes, I’ve had squirrel urine, save the emails).
Suddenly, I didn’t feel so hot. I stood up to the run to the toilet but I didn’t even make it three steps away from the couch. I heaved up the tuna and everything else I had eaten in the past two days. Much to my dismay, the vomit actually made a noise and then scurried away, running underneath my couch. I was now, without a doubt, completely and totally concerned. I looked at the label on the can and, unsurprisingly, discovered that the Tuna was from Japan. It was all starting to make sense.
Just last year, after a humongous earthquake and subsequent nuclear power plant meltdown, Japan got the biggest dose of radiation dumped into their surrounding area since…well, since we gave them a healthy dose via express mail on the Enola Gay.
The result of this was not a gigantic sea monster that wreaked havoc on the city of Tokyo, but simpler things like radioactive tuna. Thanks to a poorly executed meltdown plan, Japan and its neighbors can now power X-ray machines with seafood.
“Fucking dammit”, I thought as I read the label for the fourth time. I sat down and turned on the television with my eyes, hopeful that something on the news could entertain me before I inevitably passed the rest of the radiation through my urinary tract system. Instead I was treated to more Japanese nonsense.
It would appear Pepsi, sugar water salespeople to the stars and job board for Apple Inc, is making a “salty watermelon” flavored soda. The Japanese are the same people that like orange juice with such a high pulp content that it’s like biting into an actual orange. Imagine the texture of drinking oatmeal. But salty watermelon flavored soda? Flavored soda, I’m pretty sure, was invented to convince college age kids that they’re getting chasers or mixers for the price of one. So it typically involves flavors like lime, cherry, or citrus. If you wanna get real buck wild, you can even get vanilla flavored soda. But salty watermelon? Who the hell thought this was a good idea? Well, Pepsi clearly.
“Damn, the Japanese will really go for anything, am I right?” – That one guy you know who says racist things, but always prefaces them with ‘maybe this makes me racist, but…’
At this point in the afternoon I wasn’t feeling any better, and salty watermelon flavored soda wasn’t helping anything. I needed something to settle my stomach. I chugged a bottle of Pepto and switched to CNN. “Maybe an interview with a witness in the Trayvon Martin shooting who now remembers Trayvon wielding a Vietnam War era machete will settle my stomach,” I thought. Wrong. CNN instead featured a story about a naked man who was LITERALLY caught eating the face of another naked man in Miami.
The cause of such face consumption? A form of LSD called “bath salts”. Apparently, bath salts make you go absolutely fucking balls to the wall crazy and make you think about eating a person’s face. Have we all taken a mind altering psychedelic drug and done weird things with naked men? Yes. Did it ever involve cannibalism? No.
This is really freaking weird, even by Miami standards. Luckily for everyone involved, the police saw this dude and blasted him. In situations like this it is typically “shoot first, figure out why he was eating another guys face later”. The world is a crazy place. Which goes without saying, but when radioactive tuna makes your hands magnetic and you can’t put down forks or spoons…it’s a harsh reminder.