A Post By: Michael Gallo
Tonight’s post was originally going to be The Barnyard Lampoon Remembers Hosni Mubarak. According to several credible news sources, Mubarak was clinging to life until that fateful moment when he gave it all away. He was pronounced “clinically dead”. Every news channel was careful to use the quotations. You know, “clinically dead” which is a lot different than “conversationally dead” or come to find out “factually dead”. Because then the controversial Arab leader somehow undied. He was all like “psych, still alive. Facebook THAT, you stupid protesters.” So, I was left with a now defunct Barnyard Lampoon Remembers post. Since when did it become okay for major news conglomerates to report on rumors or things they see floating around on Twitter? Shouldn’t they wait until someone of that magnitude is absolutely, positively, without a doubt dead? One would think so, but apparently CNN doesn’t.
So alas, I’m stuck covering the other stupid shit that happened this week. This week, it was all about rockets. For whatever reason rockets often don’t get the credit they deserve. Besides the fact they put us on the moon, people often ask anyone who will listen “yeah, but what have rockets done for me lately?” It would seem that a tube of metal with a jet strapped to the bottom isn’t enough to impress people these days. Rockets also certainly took a hit when everyone who is even partially involved with our government got super drunk and super high and decided it would be a good idea to shut down NASA.
So it was pretty surprising that rockets made the news not once, but TWICE in one day. First, the Voyager 1 rocket is nearing the edge of our solar system after an 11 billion mile journey. The rocket has been flying through space for a solid 35 years.
After three days I have a hard time remembering why I put a pair of my underpants into the dishwasher. I can’t imagine doing something and having to stay interested in it for 35 years. Well, marriage I guess, but I’ll have the engagement to prepare for that right?
Voyager 1 Employee: Shit, I keep having this feeling I shot something into space like 30, 32ish years ago.
Maybe you don’t find it impressive that a rocket is about to enter interstellar space. Let me put this into perspective. I one time built a model rocket and quadruple loaded it with engines. The thought was if I put four times the amount of rocket power into it, it would go four times as high. Wrong. The rocket couldn’t handle the weight and went about twenty feet into the air before tail spinning into my neighbors yard and exploding. I spent the next 15 minutes stomping out their smoldering mulch (Hey Apple Family, if you’re reading this, change your mulch once it a while you lazy bums. Mulch that dry isn’t doing your garden any good [landscaping advice on the Barnyard is free]). What I’m trying to prove here is that it isn’t easy to blast a chunk of metal into the sky and have it successfully hit the 11 billion mile mark.
However, with that being said, the Voyager I couldn’t be more pointless (cue nerds freaking out). Here’s what a typical conversation about the Voyager I rocket would look like.
Dude: Bruh, you seen that Voyager I shit? It’s about to enter interstellar space
Bruh: Dude, no way. Now what?
Dude: What do you mean?
Bruh: Well, that’s cool and everything, but what is it accomplishing?
Dude: Well…nothing really.
See what I’m getting at? Let me put it simply. All the crazy ass shit that’s going on in the world, and we’re spending billions on literally sending a satellite as far away as possible. The “best possible outcome” with this “venture” is somewhere, someone wearing a headset says “shit, we lost it. Went too far I guess”. It won’t discover intelligent life, we’re not curing cancer with it, and we’re not discovering things we didn’t know. It’s fucking pointless. Oh no shit, space is big? I had NO idea.
The other rocket that made the news isn’t the conventional rocket. This one is Roger Clemens, a pitcher for the New York Yankees in the 80s and 90s…so basically my childhood. I idolized Roger Clemens. He was the fucking ROCKET. He would stare people down through squinting eyes and then throw a 90 mph heater at their dome piece. Batters would drop, piss their pants and just give up. Hence his 7 Cy Young awards.
My all-time favorite Roger Clemens memory? I have two.
1). I was at Yankee Stadium watching Roger Clemens warm up in the bullpen before the game. For the record, I will say that nothing about his warm up procedure would suggest that he was taking performance enhancing drugs. After he was done warming up, he tossed the baseball to an NYPD officer. Who then turned and threw it over to my father. Who handed it to me. Roger Clemens. Baseball. Me. Yeah, that happened.
2). In 2000, I was in Heaven. The Yankees were playing the Mets in the Subway Series. No matter who won, New York was getting a championship. During that series, Mike Piazza broke his bat swinging at a textbook Roger Clemens fastball.
Then this happened.
Around the :55 mark you see Roger Clemens expertly field a broken bat and throw it back at Mike Piazza. That was definitely the behavior of a sane man.
Fast forward to 2012, Roger Clemens was the victim in a classic witch hunt. As I stated earlier with the Voyager I, there is a lot of messed up shit going on in the world. In fact, a lot the problems are hosted by the beautiful US of A. So here’s a suggestion, instead of figuring out if Barry Bonds or Roger Clemens juiced with the rest of Major League Baseball, why don’t you figure out how to fix a debt crisis that is literally fucked beyond belief. By chasing these sports stars and their made up cases, people are making themselves look pretty damn stupid.
So it’s safe to say that rockets made the news for some stupid reasons this week. But it’s all right, Mubarak should be passing away pretty damn soon. We’ll keep you updated.