Are you there God? It’s me Bron Bron. I just went ‘ship on everyone’s ass. I have to say I’m relieved. Do you know what it’s like to be me? It’s hard in these streets. But I do it urr day, and now I got the ring to show for it. When I was standing on that stage last night, hoisting the trophy into the falling confetti, I could only think of two things. One was how righteously blitzed I was going to get later off of $75,000 champagne in the world’s hottest night club. Have you heard of it God? It’s called Spank. Bouncers throw you out if you don’t smack at least 3 booties. Well, unless you got a ring LOL. URR DAY! But the other thing I thought about, was how I sort of wish I could share this moment with Cleveland. Sure, they love me in Miami. And sure Miami is a pretty righteous place. I once saw a stripper do coke off of a moving Lamborghini from the open sunroof of an adjacent moving limo. Does that make any sense? It didn’t make sense when I saw it.
I wish they didn’t hate me so much in Cleveland, God. Someone sent me a video last year of a mother dressing up her young child like me. He had an ugly beard and a weird face, just like me. She coated the child in raw meat. Then she let a pit bull attack the kid. Do you know how twisted that is? He had on a mini LBJ jersey. That’s sick. People were setting fire to LBJ jerseys. Sometimes while people were wearing them. They looked like Buddhist monks protesting the Vietnam War. Whoops, sorry I brought up Buddhism to you God. You probably don’t want to hear about that.
God, I’m so sad. Sure I got a ring, something I’ve wanted for a very, very long time, but it’s hard to enjoy. They hate me in my own hometown. And I don’t really have friends. Chris Bosh? He looks like a creature from Avatar that got burnt in an oven. Dwayne Wade? No one knows this, but he dresses up cats in human clothing and eats dinner with them at his dining room table. I know suppers were a big deal to you God, but I’m not down with people who eat with cats in human clothes. Even if they help me win rings urr day.
Life is ruff for Bron Bron. No one understands me. I don’t even have a college education! If I couldn’t play basketball, I’d have a hard time getting a job at McDonalds. But I did go to a private high school. Ah, who am I kidding, I can’t read the cereal box in the morning.
But I’m like Golum…as long as I got that ring, I’ll be aight.
Even if Kobe and MJ wanna hate.
Love ya, God.