To the geniuses that run the J****** County Public Library,
I hate you and everything you stand for. But before we get to that, allow me to introduce myself. I am Michael Gallo. You may know me as the delinquent terrorist that was daring enough to rob the evil J****** County Library of $15 and, being the Robin Hood that I am, refuse to pay it! This brazen move upset you guys so much that you apparently found it practical to turn my delinquent fees over to the Unique National Collection Agency; a group that I am almost positive consists of former KGB agents. Their level of intense harassment borders on that of LA paparazzi; or that of a creepy stalker who sneaks into a woman’s room to smell panties and other undergarments. Does the Unique National Collection Agency have a doll made entirely of my hair? I wouldn’t be surprised.
But you guys clearly sat down in a meeting and decided that the most pressing issue facing your feeble library is my $15 late fee. Ignoring the fact that I had already turned in the late material, you guys crafted a foolproof campaign that would help you to both acquire the $15 late fee, and drive me absolutely insane in the process. I have to admit, waking up to the message “give us our money” written on my bathroom mirror in cat’s blood (I tasted it) was a nice touch.
I would like to congratulate you for pulling off the impossible. You guys were able to take a public library, a place that’s supposed to be warm and welcoming, and turn it into a hub for fascism. The ghost of Hitler commends your desire to resurrect the fascist tendencies of his fallen regime, you oblivious dolts.
In an economy that is pretty much failing, with many Americans either unemployed or underemployed, I would like to thank you for hunting down and harassing me over $15. An amount that most companies and organizations would deem “forgettable” or “negligible” was enough for you guys to send my account to a collection agency. Thank you. As a young American, I would like to thank you guys for trying as hard as possible to devastate my credit. There is surely a special place in Hell for all of you. “Kill the poor, don’t feed the poor” – says the J****** County Library.
Do you feel good about yourself? I’m sure you do. I’m sure at the end of the day, when you’re trying to let your demented soul sleep, you tell yourself (in the mirror, wearing only God knows what) that all these small fees add up.
Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night.
What’s that hyperlink, you’re surely asking yourself right now? It’s a photo. Don’t worry, feel free to open it. It’s a safe location, and a safe picture. It’s a photo of a dry cleaning shop. The owner has a sign on his door that reads “unemployed people that have interviews can get their dry cleaning done here for free.” Or something along those lines. In an interview with the shop owner, the owner claims that his business has lost $32,000 doing this for people. But he was willing to do it. He wanted to help people in these trying times. But thank you for $15 worth of harassment. What Would Jesus Do, am I right?
I’m going to make it my personal mission to shut your library down. Give me a few years to apply to law schools, select one I find plausible, attend said law school, master any and every policy associated with non-profits and in a 5-6 year time period, get ready for me to bring the hammer down. Somewhere down the line, one of you guys screwed up. And I will find it. And you will suffer mightily.
Not only will I refuse to ever again set foot in your library, but I have also effectively convinced the entirety of my family (7 members) to never again use your services. Congratulations. In a time when libraries aren’t doing so well, you are choosing to screw with your faithful patrons. You’re lucky I didn’t put $15 in cash on a brick and heave it through the front door windows.
So please stop sending the letters. Please stop calling me. You have your books, you have your money. For the love of God (if you Pagans even know who He is), leave me alone.
Don’t make me go to my “crazy place”.
Michael Francis Gallo