A Post By: Michael Gallo
Today, I heard about two very questionable business decisions. After having eaten tacos for three straight nights, I had plenty of time to reflect on these decisions whilst sitting upon the toilet. I realized they were so ridiculous that I decided to cover them in this week’s Barnyard Business section (a section I made up just now).
Anthony Davis is a one-and-done basketball player who won a National Championship with the University of Kentucky and the world’s biggest scumbag, AKA John Calipari. Anthony Davis has a mean defensive game and an even meaner mug.
There have been very few moments in my life when I questioned the existence of God, but one of them was when I saw Anthony Davis’ teeth. They’re an absolute atrocity. No God could let something like that happen to a human mouth.
I am by no means a handsome guy. At the very least, I am not classically handsome. However, I do take solace in the fact that I do not look like God had to break the mold after creating me.
“Whoa…that one got away from me.” –God after creating Anthony Davis
Anthony Davis looks like he could be an extra on the set of Clash of the Titans, no makeup necessary. The University of Kentucky and Anthony Davis should rejoice in the fact that I do not live in Kentucky (something I celebrate every day). Because if I did, and I saw Anthony Davis walking in the street, I would swerve to hit him in an effort to save the town from what looks like a monstrous and scary Sesame Street character. Only after several onlookers peel him off my front bumper and examine him carefully for 20-30+ minutes will we realize that I hit a human.
In fact, I bet we could get terrorist suspects to talk if we showed them a video of Anthony Davis eating raw meat with his mouth open…Oh God I’m thinking about it…I don’t feel well…
Whoa, sorry. I started thinking about it and passed out on the keyboard.
Hopefully I’ve painted an accurate picture for you. Anthony Davis is a fucking ugly human being. And so it was with some confusion that I read about Anthony Davis trademarking his unibrow today. During his time at Kentucky, multiple clothing stores in the area sold t-shirts with hilarious sayings on them like “bow to the brow” or “raise the brow”. Because Davis was an NCAA athlete, he couldn’t capitalize on this fame and didn’t make a dime off of the t-shirts. Supposedly. What people need to realize is that Davis was never an NCAA athlete. Not only do I not believe that he didn’t make money off of the t-shirts, but the whole argument is null and void to begin with because his father took money from Kentucky for him to play there. It’s fact, look it up…in the Chicago Sun Times story that the newspaper retracted. But regardless, as I have said before, nothing about Anthony Davis’ face says “I took the SAT”. So in four or five years their championship will get vacated, and the world will be a better place. But supposedly in the meantime, Davis is going to make bank off of nature’s mistake.
Apparently, a newly acquired agent or personal acquaintance told Davis that it’s a good idea to play off of the flaws pasted to your face. Embracing physical flaws is a good way to win people over. I tried doing the same thing. Because of an accident in high school with a motorized shopping cart, I only have one…well, you know. I made t-shirts that said “Me Llamo Uno”. And boy did they sell! Shit, they sold like hot cakes. People couldn’t buy them fast enough. Because for my “fans” it was about supporting me, and maybe that’s the idea behind the Anthony Davis shirts. It’s so his fans can support “the brow”. Because when God breaks something designing your face, you have to embrace it. Oh wait…Anthony Davis could just shave his eyebrow. So in reality, it’s still a terrible business decision. He’s not embracing some weird abnormality; he’s just trying to make money off of some changeable, ugly facial feature.
Genius…or fucking dipshit?
We won’t know until the unibrow revenue starts rolling in. But that question, genius or dipshit, can applied to another business decision I read about recently.
Last night, in the boldest move since Anthony Weiner decided to weiner-up on Facebook chat, Oreo released this STUNNING photo:
What. The. Fuck. That’s right, Oreo, in a surprise move, decided to show its support for homosexuals. I for one couldn’t be more shocked. Here this whole time I thought Oreos, as a cookie, stood for monogamy between a man and a woman. Oreo stood for wholesome family values…or so we thought. Look deeper folks.
An Oreo is black and white…what’s next; they’re going to start supporting interracial marriage?! Ha, not on my watch. Oreo is better than that. Oreo also has two cookies sandwiching a layer of cream…does Oreo support polyamorous relationships?! I guess Oreo isn’t as wholesome as we previously thought.
But seriously, what the fuck do people give a shit for?
Conservative Moron: By Oreo making this statement, people are going to think homosexuality is normal.
SO?! Wanna know what’s not normal? Wearing a pair of underpants made out of three live cats. But I do it, every Wednesday night. And if Oreo wanted to support Pussy Panty wearers (what we call ourselves) then that’s up to them. And if someone thinks wearing cat underwear is normal, well then that’s a side effect. It’s not Oreos fault. They’re just standing for something. Because at the end of the day, you have to remind yourself of one thing…
It’s a fucking cookie, you idiot.
It would be different if our President was okay with homosexuality…wait, okay, yeah he is.
But all joking aside, people need to look at the world around them. If you can cross everything off of your list of concerns and you only have “cookies ruining the sanctity of marriage” left, then by all means, flip a shit over it. But I bet, if you dig deep, you could find something more worthwhile to get upset about.
“Good thing I have absolutely everything on lock in my personal life so I can find time to get overly upset about a cookie company supporting gay people” – misguided person who’s upset about cookies.
But just wait a second before you go off and support every gay cookie on the market. The other end of the argument isn’t much better. Oreo “supporting” gay people is pretty much meaningless. How much clout does a sandwich cookie company have? Almost zero in the grand scheme of things. No one is going to come home from school and say “well everyone at school calls me a faggot, but at least Oreo supports me”. Oreo putting up a picture of rainbow cream doesn’t do anything for people who are gay and surrounded by bigots. That’s gonna take people looking in the mirror and deciding not to be the world’s biggest asshole. You can be as religious and as anti-gay as you want, but at the end of the day homosexuals are people. Gay monkeys…different story, but people are people. Treat them with respect, and if you don’t agree with them, keep it inside instead of saying “all faggots should go to hell” in the comments section on Oreo’s Facebook page. In that situation, who’s the bigger idiot, a cookie company making a statement that’s too big for their britches, or the dipshit bigot who decided to use a cookie fan page to spew his skewed ideologies? Ultimately, Oreo probably didn’t make the best business decision.
I’ll let you digest all that. But to sum it all up, what did we learn today? If you’re ass-ugly, trademark the worst feature on your face and if you’re gay then take solace in the comfort of pro-gay cookies. And never take business advice from Anthony Davis or Oreo. Or the Barnyard Lampoon.