To CANADA! An Idiot’s Guide to Obamacare

A Post By: Michael Gallo

Today the Supreme Court decided that Obamacare is in fact constitutional. They also decided to leave the mandate relatively untouched. Despite the fact that a few aspects of the health care reform bill still need to be decided, or don’t take effect until 2014, a lot of people lost their shit today. And, like most idiots do, they took to social media and spewed absolute nonsense for hundreds to see. At the Barnyard Lampoon we’re not too fond of stupid people. We also hate when stupid people feed people stupidity. And so, with this in mind, we thought it would be worthwhile to touch on some of the more important parts of Obamacare. There are some key details we would like people to be aware of. So pack your bag, learn the Canadian National Anthem and get ready. Here’s the gist of it:

1. The term “voluntary” no longer exists in medicine. “Voluntary” blood drives are out. They will be replaced with government workers running around and slashing the hamstrings of unsuspecting civilians. As they bleed out on the sidewalk, screaming for help, the government worker will collect the blood before scurrying off into an unlabeled, windowless white van. Likewise, people will no longer be told when they are receiving violating procedures like prostate exams, or pelvic exams. If a doctor sees you in the street, has a glove on hand, and thinks you’re at risk…get ready for a finger to go someplace you don’t want it.

In this new format, freedom and medicine cannot coexist. You will no longer be able to decide the fate of your own health.

2. Obamacare has been praised because it intends to force insurance companies to cover people with preexisting conditions. This is good news for me, since I was born with a feline heart. Unfortunately, stupidity isn’t considered a preexisting condition. That means the same people who freak out about really stupid shit, won’t be covered. Did you claim, on social media, that you’ll “move to Canada” because of Obamacare? Whoops, Canada has publicly funded health care. You’re an idiot. Which means you’ll be directly affected by the next point…

3. Pretty soon, the government is going to start revving up the killing squads. What’s a killing squad, you ask? What, do you not watch FOX news? A killing squad is a group of bitter, callous individuals who love nothing more than human death. Now, thanks to Obamacare, when you take Granny to the hospital, anything worse than a head cold will send her to the killing squad. And trust me…her chances aren’t good. You see, the government is going to use Obamacare to slowly turn the world into the Matrix…except, the shitty part, not the part where you can fly. The sick and the elderly will be killed to make way for the healthy. Communism and medicine? Like peanut butter and jelly.  According to several inside sources, stupid people are going to be the first to go. The only thing worse than uninsured people enjoying their freedom, is a stupid person.

4. It starts with health care, and pretty soon it’s everything. I made an appointment for this afternoon to get a sickle and hammer tattooed onto my left bicep. That way I won’t “disappear” in the “first wave”. Michael Gallo has staying power, believe DAT! REAL RECOGNIZE REAL!

5. This is going to get expensive. I suggest cutting costs by eating one meal a day and supplementing your income with theft.

We’re all doomed. I’m going to Tijuana.

Which is unrelated, but it should be a good time.

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