6 Movies to See Instead of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

A Post By: Michael Gallo

The Fourth of July is a great time to celebrate America, and spend time with friends and loved ones. Apparently, lots of people go to see movies on this particular day, as it typically serves as a major release date for summer blockbusters and action movies. If you go to the movies with friends or family, don’t make a mistake. Much like updating your status with a “witty” and “original” commentary on the health care reform, it’s very easy to make yourself look stupid when selecting which movie to view on Independence Day. I’m talking of course about seeing Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. ALVH is a film that lives up to its title. It’s literally Abraham Lincoln hunting vampires. And it couldn’t be more stupid. My boss recently asked me if I had seen ALVH. The exchange went something like this.

Boss: Have you seen Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter?

Me: No, I’d rather get a colonoscopy

Boss: Obamacare could have that arranged in 6 months to a year. But why haven’t you seen it?

Me: Why would I?

Boss: Why WOULDN’T you?

Why wouldn’t I? Because it’s a stupid premise for a movie. We could make 100 movies just like it, all’s you need to do is find a historical figure, add in some fictional, mythical creature and then BOOM…movie magic. “But you don’t get it, Vampires COULD exist, and who’s to say Abraham Lincoln didn’t kill them?” – History nerd/dipshit. HISTORY says he didn’t! There’s not a single account of this happening. It didn’t happen. So I’m supposed to just detach myself from reality and enjoy made up bullshit? “What about Lord of the Rings, you pompous asshole?” Way different, it’s a fantasy movie. It’s an entirely different world, so I go into it with a completely different perspective. But ALVH is just making money off of a notable name and a current fad. So with that being said, go see these 6 movies instead:

Everyone knows about Adolf Hitler’s notorious and infamous “hunting” past. No one wants to watch that film. But you’ll laugh and cry as you watch public attorney Adolf Hitler defend a band of misfit elves. When an ambitious Adolf Hitler leaves Yale Law School he’s devastated to find that his only options are work for a law firm at the North Pole, or work for his dad at an Austrian weiner schnitzel shop. You’ll cheer as a young Adolf bundles up and moves to the North Pole where he falls in love with elves, eventually deciding to defend them in court as he works to reform elf labor laws at Santa’s Shop. Then he gets disbarred, and everything goes to shit…

What’s worse than a werewolf chasing you through the night beneath a full moon? What about a werewolf with mangled hair? When werewolves are ready for a haircut it’s up to Eleanor Roosevelt: Werewolf Groomer to swoop in and take care of all the werewolf’s cosmetic needs. It’s not an easy job. It comes with peril, danger, and edge of your seat action. In theaters this fall.

Bigfoot is notorious for taking out risky loans, and when he fails to pay up, William H. Taft: Bigfoot Debt Collector shows up with a sawed-off shotty. “You’re late on your payments again, you fucking hairy ape man” – the best quote from the film. Audiences will cheer as a morbidly obese Taft blasts his way through a forest full of creatures trying to protect Bigfoot. “Bigfoot’s like our father!” – Ricky the Raccoon. BANG. Ricky’s guts splatter on a rock. “Fuck Bigfoot” – William H. Taft. Does Bigfoot pay up? How many animals does Taft shoot with an illegal shot gun? See this thriller to find out.

After Ben Franklin pisses off an English sorcerer (he probably slept with the sorcerer’s wife), Ben Franklin is sent to Norway, circa 1780 where he is forced to compete in an Ogre Roller Derby to earn his freedom. With a blood red helmet and wicked 4-wheel roller skates, Ben Franklin is forced to jump, dodge, and hip check his way to a ticket back to the US. In his way is Ogre Roller Derby Champ HUCKTA MUCKTUCKA. Can Ben Franklin defeat this crazy Muthatucka? Did you know Norway was run by Ogres in 1780? You’ll find the answer in Ben Franklin: Ogre Roller Derby Champion

See no evil, hear no evil. When a Zombie invasion hits America, Helen Keller has no idea because she can’t hear or see shit. But when she starts aimlessly swinging an ax, thinking she’ll eventually cut down a tree, she accidentally kills a large number of Zombies. From that point on, she’s America’s only hope. Oh and none of that bath salt bullshit. We’re talking full on undead zombies.

BL Reader: Oh, come on. Haven’t we settled all of this bullshit?

Yeah, keep believing that. In the meantime, I’m not gonna listen to a cigarette smoking Kenyan.

Roll Tide!

Wait, that didn’t work there. ‘Murica!

Conclusion: See how easy it is? You take a historical figure, add some weird mythological creature and an aggressive act and you have a bullshit movie. When is Hollywood going to stop trying to shit all over everyone’s dignity?

I’m gonna go see Magic Mike.

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