An Idiot’s Guide to the Higgs Boson

A Post By: Michael Gallo

This week scientists found the elusive Higgs boson particle. Wait, that might not be right…I think they may be close to finding it. Regardless, lots of people are confused about this particular particle (alliterationgasm). Let me explain in simple terms that everyone can understand. Bear with me though, I’ve never taken a physics course, and I got a D and C in high school and college chemistry respectively.

The Higgs boson particle is what holds other stuff together. I think. It’s pretty elusive though, so imagine Legos. You’ve got your different blocks, but finding the Higgs boson would be like finding a 9 dot brick (extremely elusive).

Shit’s made up of protons, electrons, quarks, gluons, duct tape, and model glue. Electrons and protons, if I remember correctly, are things that float around other things that chemistry teachers make you add and subtract from each other in complex and annoying math equations that don’t accomplish jack shit in the grand scheme of things. “So you eliminate those electrons, add them here and now this element has more. And now you just wasted a night on homework to realize that his thing used to be this thing, and now it’s this thing. Here’s 10 more of these worthless problems, enjoy!” – Most chemistry teachers.

The Higgs Boson is the “mass behind the matter”. It’s why some shit has weight and why some shit doesn’t. Kirstie Alley will be elated to finally have an explanation for her weight fluctuation.

The Physics community, a community I spend an IMMENSE amount of time with, is really flipping a shit over these findings. Is it their holy grail? I couldn’t tell you, most of the physicists I hang out with are Indian and I can’t understand a word they say. I pretty much just hang out with them for the Cricket games, which typically end in fistfights and drunken attacks on Hinduism.

Physicists were able to discover this particle by building an enormous underground tube and smashing shit into other shit. It’s like a scientific Piñata. Or like theorizing that there’s a hidden secret in your car’s engine, so you drive two cars into each other head on and pick through the pieces. I think.

In my thorough and exhaustive research, I discovered an overused analogy. Scientists are saying the Higgs boson is like a celebrity getting mobbed by people. For your mental image, I suggest Justin Bieber getting mobbed by women who are claiming he impregnated them in a super arena bathroom. As Justin Bieber tries to make his way out of the room, sobbing like the pre-pubescent woman he is, the mob slows down his progress. The Higgs boson works just like that. It creates inertia, which is similar in name to a dish that my Indian physicist friends cook. I don’t know about inertia, but the dish causes extreme diarrhea and heart palpitations. I don’t know why I keep eating it.

So hopefully this helps. And if it doesn’t then quit bitching and read a book once in a while, you bum.

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