By: Samwell Rockhouse
This week, President elect, Pena Nieto had told media groups widely distrubuted across Mexico that the violence from both Drug Lords and military personnel must stop. This just in: Nieto just destroyed a whole deer population in Quebec. To Nieto, he believes there is no need to fight fire with fire. No more military fending off drug lords with guns, no more name-calling in the streets. His approach…
It has been confirmed that Nieto has purchased thirteen million dollars worth of Build-A-Bear merchandise to bring over to Mexico to place within highly-dispenced sectors of drug cartels. Inside each of the bears eyes will be placed effective doses of tranquilizing chemicals that will leave any passer by more knocked out than 90% of Muhammad Ali’s opponents. They will be locked away in containment facilities where they will be forced to pet dogs and cats for two hours then have a mild lunch of carrots and tea. This will stimulate their nerves for another round of easy activity. This leaves $237,000,000 left over for an annual budget to keep the joint plan that the U.S. and Mexico have put together, The Mirida Initiative–a plan that looks blindly into the future and asks for 1.9 billion dollars MSRP.
What Nieto plans to do with the rest of the money, no one knows. Sources have indicated that he might start sending night crews into areas of drug smuggling and replace weaponry with episodes of Gilmore Girls and any trace of hateful music with David Bowie albums. Nieto seems persistent and the government is backing him up.
Whether Broadway infects the streets of Mexico or Las Vegas invites more entertainers into the South of the Border political arena’s, Nieto seems to believe that pacifying the violence surrounding Mexico’s destructive environment will make these Drug Cartels put down their weapons. According to the National Rifle Association, Nieto remarked these wars saying, “Why pick up a rifle? Why pick up a hand gun? All they want is a hug. Doesn’t matter what kind of hug it is. A conversational hug where you exchange ideas into each others ears, a bear hug, a cat hug, a hug in a planetarium, hell it could be a 20 minute hug if I have the time. The question isn’t are they willing to hug, the question is will I be alive after the hug?”