Disturbing Google Search Terms

A Post By: Michael Gallo

A website search term is the word or phrase that someone Googled to find The Barnyard Lampoon. Most of the time they’re pretty normal; “Michael Gallo”, “Barnyard Lampoon”, things like that. But sometimes, random people who had (I think) absolutely zero interest in finding a comedy website, Google a weird phrase and find the Barnyard Lampoon. WordPress has the technology to tell me how many people searched with that specific term, and the exact phrase that made them click on the Barnyard Lampoon in the search results.  A lot of them are porn-based, but here are a few random ones that made me question humanity. The following results are real and unaltered.

Hw to remove an apoendix with kitchen nife

It’s pretty clear that whoever Googled this has: appendicitis, a spelling problem, and low intelligence. That’s an awesome combination. I’m picturing a hick somewhere in Tennessee clutching his stomach, crawling to his desktop (running Windows ’98) and Googling this. After scrolling through several options with words that are too big for him, the hick finds the Barnyard Lampoon’s Guide to Removing Your Own Appendix. God bless him. He probably didn’t make it…

Images of animals killing animals

At least this one is pretty straight forward. But whoever searched for this could still be a deranged lunatic. In fact, I’m willing to bet they’re a deranged lunatic.

Shooting meth with Gatorade

It’s common knowledge that Gatorade is the ultimate hangover cure. In undergrad, standing on the precipice of drinking bouts that were absolutely heroic in magnitude, I always made sure that I had at least two or three Gatorades in my fridge. When you wake up with a hangover so terrible that your lips are vibrating, Gatorade replenishes in ways water can’t. Step back, I should work for Gatorade. Now granted, I can count how many times I’ve done meth on one hand, but I can’t imagine it goes well with Gatorade. And shooting it? As in, people are boiling meth, adding Gatorade and injecting it? I’ve heard of doing that with water to make your drugs last a little longer, but I can’t imagine Gatorade is something you want to shoot intravenously.

Person in my window

Whenever I see suspicious people in or around my apartment, I stay calm and Google what do. Surely I’m not alone in this, which would explain why people are being brought to our site with this term. It may also have something to do with ex-Barnyard writer Craig Sean’s post about window creepers.

Can you give yourself appendicitis

Every day, AT LEAST five people find our site by Googling this. What are these people thinking? No, you can’t give it to yourself; an Appendicitis fairy comes and blows dust on you. Medically speaking, this makes absolutely no sense. So any disease or ailment someone is afflicted with has to be given to them by something or someone?

Kim Jong Il Naked

I mean, really, who isn’t curious about this? I can’t really blame them here. People being brought to our site by this search term is a direct result of this post.

Ass Rodeo

What would an Ass Rodeo consist of? Is it a homosexual slang term? Is it an actual event? Is there any level of skill involved? Who partakes in said ass rodeo? So many questions, so few answers.

Anthony Davis looks gay

Aside from the obvious rainbow colored unitard, I’ve never understood how something “looks gay”. Again, there are obvious exceptions, but what about Anthony Davis “looks gay”? What physical trait tips you off to his sexuality? People are weird. But Anthony Davis can fucking shove it.

Fuck the pussy of a goat

It’s been a very long time since I was outright disgusted by something I read, but this just ended the drought. I don’t even want to know what this pervert was looking for. And why did my site come up? I have never in any way, shape, or form, mentioned a goat partaking in intercourse.

Redcoats naked

They were looking for Revolutionary War porn, but ended up finding our website. I hope it was an appropriate substitute.

How to start your own sweat shop

Here’s another example of people searching for terrible advice and finding a How To that I made as a joke. The sweat shop post and the appendix post were both satirical how to’s explaining how to do outrageous things no one should ever attempt. But the sheer amount of traffic I get off of these search terms would suggest that people aren’t looking for comedic relief. People literally want to know how to start a sweat shop. And likewise, the hundreds of hits I’ve gotten from the term “how to remove your own appendix” means that people seriously want to find out if they can cut out their appendix without a pesky doctor getting in the way.

Giant ass trucks

I guess people just like giant ass trucks. I regularly Google random phrases with my interests as keywords.

Again, I’ve never mentioned a giant ass truck, but Google does what Google wants.

Novel cigarette “ferret on a leash”

Wait, is this a real novel? Cigarette? A lot of British people look at my site, maybe novel cigarettes are a British thing. And maybe British people walk their ferrets. Ferrets are terrible little creatures. It’s like having a tube of rodent running around your house. And they’re carnivorous. They’ll eat a pet rabbit if you have one. You know…all of this would make a pretty interesting novel cigarette.

Why can’t monkeys get married

I’m so happy that other people are finally becoming concerned with monkey marriage rights. Even though we “came out” and announced our support for gay monkey marriage, we failed to start the world wide movement we thought we would.

There you have it. Every day the search terms get weirder and weirder. And I’m fairly certain they’re only going to get worse.

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