BL Sports: Yankees Acquire World’s #1 Asian

A Post By: Michael Gallo

The New York Yankees, known movers and shakers, pulled the trigger on the greatest Asian acquisition since America pulled in half of China to build its railroads. Whoa, was that racist? Maybe, but this article may have a few stray racist remarks here and there. If you’re sensitive towards those types of things, I suggest using your mouse to click on the “X” in the top right corner of your web browser. That will effectively close our website, and hopefully (fingers crossed) prevent you all from bitching about it.

Ichiro is like Madonna, he only has one name. Wait, that’s not right…what is it…Wang? Chang? Chin? Chang again? Yamaha? Shit, it’s Suzuki! Since he came over to the United States via boat, he has been the biggest Asian sensation in professional baseball. Before playing for the Mariners he played on the Toshiba Ramen Noodles, a professional sports team on the island of Japan (editors note: I think there is Japanese baseball team called the Tsunamis…that would be like having a New Orleans baseball team called the Hurricane Katrina’s). To put it simply, Ichiro is the fucking shit. After he came to America, droves of Asian reporters wearing Hello Kitty backpacks came to Seattle to keep constant updates flying back to Japan. It got so bad that Ichiro had to shower in a separate locker room because Japanese reports were all like “HERRO!” and trying to take pictures of him in the shower. If I had a nickel for every time I saw a Japanese dude naked, I’d have zero cents, you sick fuck.

This move made one thing very clear: Brian Cashman > James Dolan. Brian Cashman and the rest of the Yankees executives were able to see that having a strong connection to the Far East = serious dollars. After Ichiro started patrolling centerfield (Fans called it “Ichiro’s Rice Paddy”…no they didn’t, I made that up) half of Japan became Mariner’s fans. All of a sudden there were sushi restaurants in Mariner’s stadium. The Mariners were able to advertise with Japanese companies. It “translated” into big bucks, which is a language everyone speaks. Which is good, because Ichiro does NOT speak English

This will be great for New York. In part because Ichiro is a good baseball player, but also because a lot of people have a Jeremy Lin sized hole in their heart.

And New York has a TON of Asians. I leaned on a food cart one time and got yelled at by this Asian grandpa (an assumption on my part, but it’s to stress that he was old) until a vein popped out in his neck.

Asians are awesome. And Ichiro is even more awesome. I’m glad he’s on the Yankees. Get the sushi rolling, we’re going to the World Series!

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