People of the Republic,
Has the whole world gone fucking nuts?
A few weeks ago, Chick-Fil-A announced that they are opposed to gay marriage. Or to put it more simply, they don’t support gay marriage. Or to put it even more simply, they don’t think two gay people should be allowed to get married. They said it’s because of their “Christian values” and then said a bunch of bullshit about a “culture of arrogance” or something along those lines.
That’s right, Chick-Fil-A doesn’t support gay marriage. A lot of people discovered this fact and then proceeded to follow these simple instructions:
1) Bend over
2) Insert head into own ass
3) Try to come off as a logical human being, despite the fact that you have your head so far up your own ass you could eat twice (try to figure that one out).
People absolutely, 100% lost their shit over Chick-Fil-A, a chicken sandwich company, announcing that they don’t support two gay people marrying each other. Quick FYI to those of you scoring at home: Only 7 states have legalized gay marriage. But people ignored this simple fact. Chick-Fil-A came out (heheheehe) and made their opinion known, which gave every entitled dumbass with a Twitter and a Facebook the excuse to spew nonsense about the terrible, wicked Chicken machine. People are acting as though Chick-Fil-A came forward and said that they don’t like gay people. Or that they think gay people are going to hell. Or, worse yet, that gay people AREN’T allowed in their “restaurants”. Again, for those of you scoring at home: Chik-Fil-A has around 1,600 locations. OH MY, what a presence! People are treating this like the most astonishing, unbelievable thing in the world. Almost like if fast food conglomerate McDonald’s were to come forward and say that they think Muslims shouldn’t be allowed on airplanes. Oh, wait…it’s nothing like that. Chick-Fil-A simply came forward and publicly announced that they don’t agree with something that some people agree with. We’re all doomed.
Guess what happened next? Chick-Fil-A got called a bunch of bigots. People took to social media (where all logical discussion goes to kill itself and become one-sided rhetoric) and started a REVOLUTION! “Let’s ban this small meaningless chicken restaurant” said every liberal person on Facebook. Ironically, using tolerance as their reasoning, a WHOLE LOT of people became pretty intolerant towards Chick-Fil-A and their fresh served ideologies. I would go so far as to say if Chick-Fil-A could assume the form of a human, people (again: preaching tolerance) would find him, break into his home, and lynch him in the streets. All in the name of acceptance, my friends!
Lynch Mob: Kill the Chick-Fil-A they don’t support gay marriage!
Onlooker: So he just thought that, that’s it?
Lynch Mob: Well, yeah…but I don’t agree with those thoughts.
Onlooker: So even though they didn’t perpetrate some bizarre or bigoted business decision, you’re just this pissed about what they think? “They” being a small chain of chicken restaurants from the South?
Lynch Mob: Well, yeah…I guess so. But the Muppets don’t agree with Chik-Fil-A either!
Onlooker: That’s good, they’re real and everything.
Let me make this point again: Chick-Fil-A is from THE SOUTH! And yet, somehow, people are still surprised by this announcement.
The ironic thing here is that when a group of people disagree with a group’s intolerance, they become wildly intolerant. “They don’t agree with ME? They’re out!” How does this make sense? I often see people give the “well you don’t have to…” response in arguments.
“You don’t agree with abortions? Well you don’t have to get one!”
“You don’t agree with tattoos? Well you don’t have to get one!”
Listen up you dullards, if you don’t like Chick-Fil-A…then don’t fucking eat there. But wanting to set fire to a Chick-Fil-A because they don’t agree with you, strikes me as a bit intolerant. And trust me, not eating Chick-Fil-A will probably be better for you in the long run.
But amidst so much controversy these less than tolerant individuals want Chick-Fil-A’s head on a stick. I have read about three separate college campuses that have gone through the effort to start petitions all in the name of removing Chick-Fil-A from their campuses. An example: The University of Kansas, alma mater of Michael Gallo. Citing an environment that is meant to stress acceptance, tolerance, and belonging, some KU students want Chick-Fil-A out of their student union. Get it? They want Chick-Fil-A to come out. I’ve stressed this point a lot, but really, really think about it: A group of individuals discover that Chick-Fil-A doesn’t SHARE their beliefs, so they want them out (in the name of tolerance). Guess who else doesn’t agree with gay marriage? The state of Kansas. You guys should start a petition to remove Kansas from the University of…Kansas. Good luck doing that at your state school. I went to a progressive and liberal private school in the Northeast, and we weren’t even this stupid.
And finally, there’s Thomas M. Menino, the Mayor of Boston. Tommy, defender of all that is gay, went so far as to say that a Chick-Fil-A should not be allowed to open in Boston. Shame on you, you pompous asshole. You made this announcement as a self-proclaimed and selfish attempt to get votes. Shame on you for attempting to stunt the progress of a company who is able to succeed in these trying times. When other businesses are closing down locations, Chick-Fil-A is expanding. “But NO,” says Tommy “Backdoor” Menino, “we don’t want Chick-Fil-A’s business. We don’t want the jobs that the new locations would provide.” I’m pretty sure hundreds of THOUSANDS of people died for this country so that a Mayor couldn’t speak for an entire city. I would expect nothing less from the mayor of the shittiest city on Earth. Mayor Thomas M. Menino hates Amercica.
This is all eerily similar to the Oreo cookie fiasco. Except reversed. For the love of God, it’s FOOD! You chew it, it turns into mush, your body extracts essential nutrients and then shoves it out of your anus. Sorry to be so forward, but I think people should remember this next time they’re worried about their food “making a statement”. I know people run the companies and corporations, but their product, especially if it’s food, is typically independent of their beliefs. God fearing Christians probably make chicken sandwiches in a very similar manner to atheist chicken sandwich makers. Now if Trojan announced that they don’t agree with homosexuality (in its totality, not just marriage) but then made a he-pleasure condom, I would be a lot more confused. But again, it’s a chick sandwich restaurant commenting on gay marriage. Not homosexuality, just gay marriage.
Just remind yourself: it’s only food. You can either eat it, or not eat it. Don’t use a chicken sandwich to force your beliefs on other people. Force your beliefs on other people because you’re an asshole. Embrace it.