A Post By: Michael Gallo
This shit writes itself.
The Barnyard Lampoon is an underachieving comedy “website” powered by about…eh, four people on a good day. It’s a constant source of frustration, and most of the time I threaten to end it like Ol’ Yeller (back of the head, behind the shed). Being the editor-in-chief of such a fucking disaster, many is the night I drink one too many and stare at the “Delete Account” button. It’d be so easy. But then Kevin Yoder gets super drunk at a dinner party on a trip to Israel and jumps naked into the Sea of Galilee.
Kevin Yoder is a drunken idiot. Now, I say that with some discretion, because let’s be honest…it’s also a little sad. You don’t rack up a DUI and a drunken nude plunge into the Sea of Galilee without having a few alcohol related issues. Well, really the DUI was just a refusal to take a breathalyzer test, but do you know how righteously hammered you have to be to refuse a breathalyzer? Even drunk idiots think, “Dude, I’ve been chewing gum, I’ll pass this no problem.” Then fail. So you have to be like otherworldly drunk to just be like, “Nah, I think I’ll pass on that.” Moreover, the guy is a congressman. He knows the law. In Kansas, if you refuse a breathalyzer, you can be charged with DWI.
But back to the issue at hand. In 2011, Kevin Yoder is in Israel on a diplomatic trip to learn about the Israel-US relationship. He’s with several congressman and congresswoman. One night, they partake in a dinner party thrown by an Israeli government agency. I’m not positive how it went that night, but it probably looked something like this:
Congressman: Kev-man, maybe you should take it easy on the Jewish wine.
Kevin Yoder: Fuck you bro, I know when I’ve shad enough.
Congresswoman: You’re slurring your speech, Kev.
Kevin Yoder: Hey, it’s a war on women out there, so you better shut up!
Congressman 2: You need help, Kev.
Kevin Yoder: Fuck you dude! Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you. I’m out.
*Kevin Yoder undoes his belt and proceeds to get naked and jump into the Sea of Galilee*
Quick note on the Sea of Galilee: when Jesus Christ walked on water (pretty famous incident), he walked on the Sea of Galilee. You know, it’s a pretty big deal. Jewish people also really like it. I don’t know if it has something to do with a boardwalk…. But what I’m trying to get at, is it’s a really bad situation if you’re an American congressman and you’re jumping into the Sea of Galilee naked. It’s bad for you, and it’s bad for the US. Now granted, this happened in 2011 so obviously it didn’t start WWIII, but still. It’s coming to light now for a reason.
You know when you get in a dude’s taxi, and he’s from the Middle East and he’s smoking an unfiltered menthol Turkish cigarette and you’re all like, “dude can you put that out, it’s making me nauseous?” And then he’s like, “fuck you men, fuck you. Get out of da cab. Now, fuck you!”
Then you’re on 53rd, cold and alone. It’s a shitty situation.
Now imagine pissing off Israel, because you’re an ignorant American Congressman with a drinking problem. It’s all about manners, etiquette, and respect over there. Kevin Yoder is lacking everything I just listed.
Oh, and in case you missed it…
KEVIN YODER IS A CONGRESSMAN!
No wonder shit’s fucked around here. Get Kevin Yoder out of office and into AA.
Thanks for making this easy, Kevin.