The Barnyard Lampoon Remembers Neil Armstrong

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I have some tragic, breaking news. The USADA (U.S. Anti-Doping Agency) just couldn’t leave him alone. They weren’t content with stripping him of all 7 Tour De France titles. They weren’t happy erasing his name from the record books. They weren’t happy with him living. After a rather public and embarrassing fiasco with the USADA, disgraced cyclist Neil Armstrong is dead.

But many questions remain.

Is he still the best cyclist to ever live?

Who will get the titles he was stripped of?

Why are people making bullshit comments about the moon?

Neil Armstrong was indeed a visionary. Regardless of what happened to his wins, the man was able to overcome cancer. A debilitating disease couldn’t get in his way. Cheater or not, he is still an inspiration to all of us with two nuts. In fact, with just half the manhood most men enjoy, Neil Armstrong did more in his 70s then most men have done in their 20s and 30s. Wait, how was he 82 when he died? Something’s not right here…

Oh shit.

All right, new breaking news. LANCE Armstrong is still alive (physically. Emotionally and mentally, the dude is as good as dead). NEIL Armstrong is dead. Apparently, there’s a pretty significant difference between the two of them.

Neil Armstrong, the Armstrong that didn’t try to pull one over on America, was an astronaut. But he wasn’t just an astronaut (as if there are a multitude of them running around), he was THE astronaut. Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon. You know when you’re doing a scavenger hunt with that Japanese family that lives down the street, and you catch the squirrel (10 points, 8 if you accidentally kill it) so you make it to the Plaza fountain first? And you’re all pumped and think you’re the shit? Yeah, multiply that by 1000. Neil Armstrong beat everyone else to the fucking moon. Then he came back to the Earth and acted like a boss. Neil Armstrong reportedly wouldn’t agree to any book deals, sell any movie rights, or appear in any commercials despite the fact that he made the moon his bitch.

That’s pretty hardcore. If I’m the first one into the office in the morning, I want to alert the local newspaper. Except…maybe he had ulterior motives…

If you landed on the moon, hardcore dude from ‘Murica or not, you’re gonna want to gloat just a bit. But he never did. He never even came close. So, maybe he is pulling one over on America.

There are literally hundreds of conspiracy theories regarding the US landing on the moon. How did we beat the Soviets and other nations to the moon? Well for starters, at that point in time, 90% of the world still didn’t have electricity. Uganda wasn’t exactly gonna beat us to it. But the Soviets…they had the experience (they shot dudes and a handful of animals into space on a regular basis), the program, and the technology. So how’d we beat them?

Some people say we didn’t. Some say the pictures from the moon were all done in a Hollywood studio. Plus, why haven’t we been back since? Why aren’t we living on the moon? Why does P!nk keep releasing music?

Those are pretty heavy questions for a country who has been to the moon.

But I don’t buy the conspiracy theories. They went. Neil Armstrong was so confident that he would even swear on the Bible. Oh, wait. No he wouldn’t.

Granted, that’s Buzz Aldrin, but as you can see none of them took the allegations of cheating very well. Hm, sounds familiar.

Neil Armstrong, if he really went to the moon, was an American hero. I haven’t been to the moon. And you haven’t either. He’s a badass. But who knows, in 10 years we’ll probably find out he was on steroids. Fucking PEDs.

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