A Post By: Michael Gallo
In 2005 I was in a car wreck that probably should have killed me. For whatever reason, I cheated death that day and walked away. Well, limped out of the hospital…I had internal bleeding, a broken wrist, and a concussion. I was sitting in the middle seat of a pick up truck when it happened. As the truck hit a telephone pole and all the windows exploded out, I found a peace that I haven’t experienced since.
None of that is very funny. But, for whatever reason, that accident made car wrecks the funniest thing in the world to me. I know they’re terrible and have killed plenty of people, but I can’t stop laughing if I watch one on Youtube. And boy have I watched a few car wrecks on Youtube. My guesstimation is that I’ve watched roughly a weeks worth of car wrecks on Youtube since 2005. It’s sick. It’s perverse. But it makes me laugh till I cry. Once, I watched a rally car flip into a barn and I laughed so hard I vomited onto the computer room carpet.
Russia churns out high quality car wrecks like China turns out 13 year old gymnasts. I don’t know what it is about the place…
Maybe it’s the fact that they don’t seem to have lines drawn on the road.
Maybe it’s the fact that even the smallest intersections have six lanes feeding into them.
Oh, wait…If you drank gallons of vodka a day, you’d probably wreck a car like this too.
Each video will have times listed below it which reference specific moments in the video. Now, without further ado…
1. Total Obliteration
Part of the reason car wrecks are funny to me, is because I imagine how the driver is reacting as he’s wrecking. I imagine this driver is just screaming at the top of his lungs. Judging by the speed he has going into the wreck, he probably lost control about a half mile back. Imagine walking out of the Russian Walmart and finding your car inside another car, which is inside the car next to it.
0:24 A single dude runs over to the carnage. What in the FUCK is that guy gonna do? A single SUV just cleared out three parking spots, but I bet his Russian Boy Scout training will really come in handy. That guy is probably drunk too.
0:33 Fuck, shows over, the KGB just showed up.
2. Turning cars into tricycles
Imagine you’re driving down a Russian highway (it’s the same thing as standing down range at a firing range), and you bend over to find your Madonna cassette tape (Russia is still a little behind). You’re pimping in your red hatch back, when all of a sudden the wheel locks up and you drift into oncoming traffic. HIT THE DECK COMRADE!
0:04 Tire going solo
What flies out of this guys car? He must be a college professor, because about 5 reams of paper spray out of this guys trunk.
0:07 New development! If you look between the two stationary cars to the right, you can see a SECOND tire! This guy drove into a car so hard, that he lost 50% of his car’s tires.
0:28 That may be a grandma…
3. CRAAAAZY TAXI!
It’s pretty easy to have a bad experience in a taxi, but this is most likely as bad as it can get.
0:16 somehow, his window pops out. Oh wait, that was probably from the impact associated with getting t-boned by a semi.
0:23 the speed at which this taxi driver gets out, would suggest:
A) he wasn’t wearing a seat belt
B) this has happened to him on more than once occasion
0:27 he also seems very adept at opening upside car doors.
4. Russian Tokyo Drift
“Hey meet me at Lenin Park, we’re doing some drifting in Mikhail’s BMW”
Did he start with the door open, or did some unforeseen force open it?
That’s the most compact person I have ever seen.
I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have completed the somersault, had the car’s bumper not whipped around and pushed him over.
But hey, when you’re rocking an open, red polyester shirt and all white shoes, you just walk it off. Who hasn’t had a drifting car dump them into the curb?
5. Roll the MONTAGE!
What’s better than a Russian car wreck? How about 30 rolled into 3 minutes of montage.
0:12 “Ohhhhhh SHIT! No! The vodka shipment!
0:23 this looks like Haiti…that dude had to be doing like 60-70 mph…easy.
0:35 let’s make like a tree, and leaf.
0:56 So an idiot drives STRAIGHT into the side of a trolley, and you pay the price when the trolley then whips around and slings your car into a fruit stand. Russia sucks.
1:03 okay so I’m not sure if that’s a motorcycle or a moped, but I am certain that he fell asleep driving it. He does a roll over a retaining wall and sits up. Kudos bruh.
1:20 boom, mystery liquid. Again, another example of a Russian just minding his business and getting wrecked because another dude didn’t want to obey traffic laws.
2:40 this blinker means I’m gonna send you across two lanes into oncoming traffic.
2:54 full impact, bumper pops off in one piece. That’s textbook.
3:03 “is that a single orange traffic cone? OH SHIT LOOK OUT!”
3:17 one car turns, and two people wearing short shorts get dumped into the street. That’s called Russian Math.
I’m pretty that last wreck is fake…I hope.
6. This worst one yet
This is almost hard to watch….
I bet you thought that guy was going to get hit by a car, didn’t you?
Nope, just awesome.
I hope you enjoyed some of those.