Is That A Loris In Your Pants, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

A Post By: Michael Gallo

At one point, America was at the top of everything. Economics, foreign policy (figure that one out), having dreams and shit, manufacturing, and obesity.

And, at one point, even stuffing rodents and primates into pairs of underwear. But now, because of outsourcing and cheap foreign labor, we’re not even the best at that. The new title belongs to the Indians (dots, not feathers). Earlier today a man en route to Dubai received the standard airport pat down when the airport security force got a little bit of a surprise (beyond the typical ‘whoa, I didn’t know they make metal testicular implants…’)

They discovered the man had stuffed a live, albeit sleeping Loris directly into his underpants.

At least they found it during a pat down, and not in one of those tubular x-ray machines.

The man was apprehended along with one of his friends. Afterwards, another Loris was found discarded in a nearby garbage can. What’s the criterion for deciding which Loris gets stuffed into your underwear and which one goes into the garbage can?

Indian: Throw that one out it’s too hairy, this one’s going into by Buddha damn pants.

Reportedly, the dumpster monkey was doing as well as a thrown out monkey can be doing.

Do you know how ballsy (excuse the pun) you have to be to put a live primate into your underwear? If that Indian let a chimpanzee anywhere near his crotch, he wouldn’t be having children in this life or the next 6 he got reincarnated into. So granted, he played it safe with the Loris, but still…

First question, where in the world did he get not one, but two Loris’ses? Second question: what’s the plural form of Loris?

Lorisesses are registered as endangered species, so the fact that this dude had what was probably 60% of the world’s Loris population in his underpants, is pretty impressive. Maybe India has Loris stores. And you know what the Loris Store cashier says as you’re leaving?

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