Craig Sean Takes A Dump (A Link Dump, That Is)

A Post By: Michael Gallo And Craig Sean

As we rev the Barnyard Lampoon back up to full speed, we’ve been discussing ways to add variety to the site. One suggestion (Credit: Cody) was to add racial diversification. However, the absurd and derogatory term he used to describe a hypothetical Asian employee suggested that that might not be the best idea.

Then I thought about dumps.

 

Not that type, I’m talking link dumps. Let me explain. A link dump is pretty straightforward, it’s a handful of links from around the internet that will take you to interesting/humorous/painful/embarrassing stories. Essentially, it’s us doing the navigating for you. For almost a year, Craig Sean has been religiously sending me link dumps which I used to select story ideas for this very site. But, as anyone who has eaten at a Korean barbeque restaurant knows, dumps can get overwhelming. And that resulted in wasted content (see what I did there?). So today I thought, ‘wait, why play middle-man? I’ll just publish Craig Sean’s dumps with some short commentary on the links.” And ‘Craig Sean Takes A Dump’ was born. This feature will most likely run weekly. If you hate it, you can send complaints by cramming it up your asshole. Let’s get into it. To view the original story, click on the hyperlink next to the number.

1. Two Classics: A woman and a car

This is a heartwarming feature about two really old things, a woman and a car. One was obviously more well maintained than the other. This can end one of two ways. Margaret Dunning will be doing 35 down the highway when she switches lanes without looking. Ruh roh, here comes a UPS semi carrying double trailers. Result: They’ll have to clean Margaret Dunning up with a sponge and a Swiffer Wet Jet. The other way, Margaret will be barreling down on the farmers market when she either falls asleep/strokes out/dies naturally/has a heart attack and puts this monstrosity of a car into a crowd of 13 people. Everyone’s screaming, the organic crops are on fire and hipsters are running for their lives. In both scenarios, the “classic” car and woman meet their demise.

2. Can we get a cleanup on aisle 3?

Every time you think you’ve heard every hoarding story, you hear a fresh new one that seriously makes you question humanity. Liquefied meat? I knew this dude named Bubba who ate 6 month old, raw chicken once. He said there was definitely a wang to it. If I were cleaning out the house, I would figure out a way to “safely” liquefy the meat, and sell it to Taco Bell and other fastfood restaurants. If they don’t do it already. Some of the key stats:

-9 dead cats. I think we can all agree that those are the lucky ones

-33 living cats

-6 refrigerators

-22 truckloads of shit have already been taken away.

With numbers like those, it will be hard for this guy NOT to nail down this year’s Hoarding Heisman.

3. Short Attention Span

 

This might be the shortest attention span I’ve

4. Sweet, ANOTHER crazy Japanese guy

This article explains the situation surrounding the Japanese guy who flew into LA with body armor, body bags, and weapons. I guess we can joke about it since nothing happened. However, that didn’t stop a Denver Broncos player from joking about Aurora.

HAHAHA MOVIE THEATER SHOOTINGS!! Fucking CLASSIC!

What psycho brings body bags to a potential show down? He’s gonna mow em down and bag em for authorities? How considerate. Definitely thinking ahead there. Scary Shit.

Well, that’s everything.

Oh, and for all those doubters, a special message from Craig Sean:

 

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