A Post By: Michael Gallo
When I woke up this morning I discovered an alert on my Apple iPhone 4S, an affordable and practical solution for those of you who aren’t ready for the iPhone 5. Apple™
I just made so much money.
Anyway, the alert was from USA Today. It said, and I quote “Clinton on her way to Middle East amid Gaza crisis”. For some reason, the first thought that popped into my head was:
“Holy shit, a heavily armed Hillary Clinton is getting air-dropped into Gaza to finish this the old-fashioned way”.
Several things contributed to this mindset:
1) I had been drinking pretty heavily the night before
2) I had just woken up. Nothing makes sense at that time. I woke up to my alarm one morning and intentionally kicked a glass of water off of my nightstand because it just. made. sense. At the time.
3) Let’s be honest, USA Today didn’t word that in the best way possible.
But even as I showered, made squirrel bacon and gassed up the Vespa™ the thought wouldn’t go away. What if that really happened? What if the talking heads in Washington were arguing over what to do in Gaza when Hillary confidently proclaimed:
“Fuck it. I’m going in. Get Petraeus on the phone”.
Why Petraeus? Because, unless you live in a cave (weak taliban reference…if anyone’s wondering) you know that Petraeus hasn’t had the best month. And when they make the movie for this historic event, that will be one of the best scenes. When Hillary walks into a dark house where Petraeus sits by a raging fire, a half empty bottle of bourbon at his feet. He looks up as Hillary slowly enters the room in an all leather jumpsuit
Petraeus: How’d you get in…?
Clinton: Security? David, please…don’t offend me.
Petraeus: What do you want? Can’t you let me suffer? Alone?!
Clinton: David…we need you. I’m going in. I’m fixing Gaza…by myself.
Petraeus: That’s stupid, you’ll die there.
Clinton: Heroes never die, David. You ready to come back?
Petraeus: You’re gonna need help. Help, and firepower. Let’s do this.
He stands and high-fives Hillary.
That’s the second best scene.
This is the first:
After a tearful and emotional goodbye with Bill, Clinton packs all of her guns into two large duffle bags.
Cut to Hillary walking onto the back of a large cargo plane, a C-130 to be specific. Hillary’s military operation has been code-named Operation Ham Rod, her nickname in Yale intramurals. She’s wearing sunglasses and the all leather jumpsuit. She looks at the crew of the C-130.
Hillary: You guys mind stopping in Gaza?
The crew laughs.
Cut to Hillary sitting by herself. AC/DC Back in Black blares over the speakers. Do C-130’s have speakers? Fuck it, who cares. Suddenly she looks up at one of the crew members. He nods to her and pulls a lever. The cargo door opens.
Hillary: See you guys in Hell.
Hillary grabs her duffle bags and sprints down the length of the plane and jumps out the door.
Crew Member 1: Holy shit, she didn’t have a parachute on!!
Crew Member 2: God have mercy on their souls.
Cut to Hillary Clinton smashing through the awning of a Gaza market booth. She stands up and brushes herself off. She pulls a pump action Spas-12 out of her bag.
Hillary: Boys…the bitch is back.
Hillary starts blasting. Stereotypical terrorist looking people come out of the wood work. Blast, pump, blast, pump, blast, pump. 3 shots, but 23 people are dead. She grabs a sawed off AK-47 (not a thing, I don’t think). She shoots without looking and downs a Palestinian helicopter and 3 Israeli rockets.
40 minutes later the top 6 Hamas officials are dead and permanent peace has been brought to the Middle East. A helicopter lands in a clearing littered with dead terrorists. Petraeus steps off of the helicopter and looks around.
Petraeus: Holy shit, Ham Rod, you leave anything for us?
Clinton: Only bodies…
Now, you may recognize that line from the hit Arnold Schwarzenegger film Commando…but I think it is very appropriate for this situation. People like films like The Bourne Identity, Rambo, and The Terminator because it’s a single person kicking ass against entire armies. In the face of adversity, with no one to help, these people run towards the fight. And really, isn’t that the American way?
Oh yeah, and the gay puppeteer who does Elmo quit because he had sex with an underage guy, who said it wasn’t consensual but then was like, “wait, yeah it was” and then was like, “wait, no it wasn’t”. I could make some heinous joke about the puppeteer being familiar with sensation of sticking his hand–
You know what, just forget it, I have to do laundry.