Te’o And Armstrong: How To Lie in America

A Post By: Michael Gallo

When I first heard about the Manti Te’o story, I pulled one of these:

 

But as the story developed and more came to light, I pulled one of these:

 

That’s the same video, because as this story developed we didn’t exactly add a lot of clarity. This story has more twists than a Spring Break murder mystery in Cancun.

BL Reader: Wait…that’s not funny. There’s not even a punch line in that “joke”. There are ACTUALLY cold-case murders in Cancun. Every year.

All right, take it easy asshole. Let’s face the facts.

Boom, we’re done. There are none. Literally. Seriously, joking about this almost seems like low-hanging fruit. There’s almost nothing that we can point to as a concrete fact that could serve as a jumping off point.

What we do know is that Manti Te’o is single. So if you’re into football-playing Samoans then get in line, because he’s available.

Manti Te’o claimed to have a girlfriend. He also claimed that this girlfriend was in a car wreck, then diagnosed with leukemia, before ultimately succumbing to death just hours after his grandmother bought the farm. That’s a pretty bad week by anyone’s standards. This occurred sometime within the last ten years (every major news source gives a different timeline, and let’s be honest, if we learned anything from this whole debacle it’s that we can’t trust these news sources).

But in the ultimate “PSYCH!” it turns out Manti Te’o never had a girlfriend. Correction: a REAL, actual, living girlfriend. Apparently, Manti Te’o was the “victim” of an elaborate hoax. The “girl” was actually an online presence that was apparently created and operated by a young male. This WHOLE scenario kind of sounds like some kinky thing perverted Japanese business men buy at Tokyo hotels.

The only people that are relieved by this whole debacle are the guys from Deadspin, Lennay Kekua’s fake parents (no one wants to see their fake daughter grow up), and Lance Armstrong.

LanceArmstrongmovie_620_011813

Lance Armstrong’s week actually had a striking resemblance to Manti Te’o’s: unbelievably shitty, criticism from every direction, shocking revelations (sort of), and they’re both still hiding a ton of shit.

Lance Armstrong was truthful in a lot of what he said, thanks in part to Oprah’s award-winning interview style:

oprah

You weren’t going to cycle your way out of this one, Lance! Oprah was at every turn, at every possible escape, a master wordsmith ready to smash Lance’s reputation and extract any shame or sorrow that may be trapped in his PED-ridden body.

Oprah was loaded and ready to go with hard hitting questions that only required one word answers. Because face it, when a guy has been hiding a terrible secret for 14 years, who wants to hear him explain himself? I’m only looking for “yes” or “no”. The rest is bullshit.

If we wanted to let Armstrong cop his way out of this one any harder, we could have just let him run the interview. Seriously, one word answers?! Get the fuck out, Oprah. OWN sucks. There, I said it. Let’s get the elephant out of the room. We can pretend OWN has powerful programming geared towards the average middle-aged woman, but it doesn’t. That’s part of the reason I stuck with Lifetime. LIFETIME TILL I DIE!

So Manti Te’o made up his girlfriend and her subsequent death for the publicity, and Lance Armstrong rode a needle all the way to 7 Tour De France titles and a disappointing Olympic medal.

And guess what…I couldn’t give less of a shit.

I don’t watch sports to watch honest people. I watch sports to watch talented people compete in their specific sport. Sometimes, in the case of Bo Jackson, in multiple sports. But if you’re looking for honest people, then get into politics…wait,no. Get into Journalis– shit, no. Get into Financial Advisi–wait, no not that either.

Where are all the honest people?

The world lies. That seems pessimistic, but it isn’t. That’s just reality. It doesn’t mean the world is doomed, but it means maybe people should be a little more hesitant before they buy whole sale into a specific culture. ESPECIALLY sports. Seriously, Manti Te’o is a disgrace now? Michael Vick literally body slammed dogs to death and he’s still playing and making millions. ALL of baseball cheated. A-Rod cheated two fold. Because in between PED injections, he was going to Toronto strip clubs and taking part in other various injections. A-Rod may be a bad example though, because he’s dishonest AND he sucks. He chokes pretty hard in high pressure situations. So, there’s plenty of reason to hate him. But my point is most of the athletes you enjoy watching, are terrible human beings. Don’t get delusional and think that because they play a sport, they’re good people. Granted, there are the few and far between who use their high profile status to take care of their fellow man, but that’s probably the one percent.

Take golf, the gentleman’s sport:

Tiger-Woods11_0

And the list goes on and on and on and on. So get over yourself, and quit focusing on the bullshit. Te’o lied? Who cares. He plays football, and he got BOWLED over by anything with an Alabama jersey on. That’s more important than if his online girlfriend ever existed.

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