A Post By: Craig Sean
I’ve taken some time off for reasons I won’t explain here. But I’m back…until I settle a few things in court, I can’t really discuss details.
I’m a big Kansas basketball fan and I follow most of the team on Twitter..it’s not creepy at all. I saw Ben McLemore, or @Humble1e_Hungry23 as he is known in the Twitterverse, tweet the following tweet:
“In West Virginia. What up”
I took it upon myself to help him out. I went to the all-knowing Google to help Mr. McLemore, or anyone living there, know “what is up” in W. Virginia. Here’s what I found:
oh, and while you review these, put this song on loop.
1) (geared towards Ben. If you’re not male then switch the sexes. If you’re not male or female, just get the point)
First thing that’s “up”: Your sister, mother, cousin, aunt, great aunt or anyone else of direct blood relation. I know you think this has been said before and it’s not true, but my source is the former vice president of the US of A (make sure you keep the music going while watching)
2) If you’re not into all that incest stuff you can always set out to seduce a small animal. It IS legal to have sex with an animal; however, be sure to keep it under 40 lbs or else you could find yourself in trouble with the law (I am NOT for incest or bestiality AT ALL but I don’t know the reader. I would say wait for the next suggestion but I want to be sure to present all the options I find on Google so you won’t be bored during your visit)
3) If you’re looking to stay celibate on your visit you sure could contact this guy
or any guy that looks like him…I’ve heard the mulletts fly freely there. Look at all that party he’s got going in the back!
4) If you’re looking to do something on your own and maybe do some exploring you can go search out some roadkill and cook it up, which is completely acceptable and completely legal. I hear squirrel is a delicacy there …and it’s in season. I bet the city workers will be happy you picked it up off the road…or maybe pissed you just took their dinner.
5) You want to go out with some friends? You could take them to go see the Worlds largest Teapot.
Looks pretty inspirational if you’re from West Virginia….otherwise its ridiculous to think someone spent time making this. I doubt it’s even functional.
6) Here it is! This is what you want to do! The John Brown Wax Museum. It depicts his entire life with wax models. Maybe they’ll have this famous scene of him holding the 2007-2008 Kansas National Championship trophy:
Let me know if they have it.
7) Lastly, you can…fuck if I know. I would suggest leaving. I’m not into my family that way… or my dog. I’m pretty content with my normal sized teapot because anything larger wouldn’t fit my stove. I don’t like skinning animals when I can buy them pre-skinned and butchered for a very reasonable price at the grocery store. The John Brown Wax Museum sounds interesting, but then I remembered the incest thing. Thinking of people born from incest making wax models can’t be good. Yeah, go home.
I’ll leave you with the famous words of THE John Denver:
“ALMOST Heaven, West Virginia”