A Few Problems With ‘The Dark Knight Rises’

A Post By: Michael Gallo

I know I’m REALLY late to the party on this one, but last night I watched ‘Dark Knight Rises’ with two of my friends, and a raccoon that we trained to view and critique films. I actually really enjoyed it. Except for the parts that sucked, of which there were quite a few. Here are just a couple:

-90% of what Bane says is unintelligible

This isn’t a new theory, in fact it’s pretty much been beaten dead, but you can’t critique this movie without pointing this out. I understand the whole mask thing and how it allows him to– oh wait…no I don’t. Does the mask administer some sort of pain killer? Is a mask necessary for that? What could you possibly do to your face that requires 24 hour mask wearing? But let’s look past that. So he has this wicked looking mask as a result of a prison injury. Fair enough. But at least make him understandable. Believe it or not, having a guy who constantly wears a mask and can speak clearly, is not impossible. Exhibit A:

images (7)

 

Christopher Nolan should take a note or two next time. Seriously, most of the time Bane would say something and I’d think, “What the fuck did that guy just say?” How could Batman understand him?

batmanbegins

 

It also reminded me of this scene from the hit film “Joe Dirt”:

-A lot of the fight scenes in Batman SUCK. Hard. 

Here’s a typical fight in the Christopher Nolan Batman series:

Eight guys, each one armed with AT LEAST a gun and a knife, surround Batman

Batman turns around a lot to get a good luck at all eight dudes

Every criminal in the scene is thinking the same thing:

“Okay, there’s eight of us, and just one of him. We’re each armed with lethal fire arms. He’s wearing a fucking cape, that can’t help his dexterity. Oh shit, he’s punching my friend. I better watch. Okay, it appears that Rick is unconscious. That’s fine, better not shoot Batman with this gun. Oh shit, he’s punching my other friend. Dammit…okay fuck it, I’m gonna hold this gun and try to punch him”

Then he lunges at Batman and gets his ass kicked. This series would be done and over if people in Gotham actually pulled the trigger.

-The US government listens to a threat from ONE dude on a bridge and says, “Okay, sounds good”.

At no point do US forces move in on the island. US forces? Yeah, they sing the National Anthem of the United States, remember? I like to think that if the bridges went down in a major metropolitan area, the US military would still be able to get onto the island and knock out a few terrorists. There’s MAYBE 100 people on Bane’s “team”. There’s a couple hundred thousand people in the military. It’s a fucking city island. You don’t think there’s one part that you could breach without Bane finding out? Send the god damn SEALS in, they KILLED BIN LADEN! Okay, I might be getting too crazy with the cross over here. But Ben Roethlisberger was in the movie, I have to assume Bin Laden also exists in this universe.

Instead, a guy, who has no credentials or previous terrorist experience (can we get a resume up in here please?) says, “we have a nuke on the island and if you come on to the island, we’ll blow it up.”

And the Army was all like “okay.” And they stay off! Give me a fucking break.

-At NO POINT does a foreman, Gotham agency, building contractor, or federal agency think “Hm, we’re putting an abnormal concrete mixture with explosives in it all over the city…this could be an issue.”

My uncle lives in Levittown, Long Island NY. His neighbor tried to put a new bedroom on his house and the state of NY shut him down. But you’re telling me NO ONE in Gotham stopped a rogue construction company from laying miles and miles of concrete???

Fuck this. Shit’s stupid.

 

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