A Post By: Michael Gallo and John Doe, Senior Correspondent in North Korea
John Doe will be assuming the title of Senior Correspondent in North Korea for the Barnyard Lampoon. Many of you, most likely fearing for his safety, are probably wondering how he crossed the border into North Korea. John Doe is posing as a Dutch Optometrist with the international organization Eye 4 An Eye , a program committed to bringing top-notch eye-care to underprivileged individuals.
John Doe will remain anonymous for his safety, and the safety of the North Koreans he will be interviewing.
-First off, how are you communicating with us? North Korea is notorious for Internet restrictions and censorship. How are you communicating with the outside world?
I sneak off to an Internet Cafe and sign on to a large computer the size of a mini-fridge. I tell them I’m submitting an “eye report” which they mistook for an iReport, a failed CNN feature, and what the North Koreans thought was a new Apple product. I am able to hack past the firewall, which is difficult because each computer runs Skylight ’98, which appears to be some sort of Chinese Microsoft Windows knock-off. I’m not sure if they’re reading this.
-Are people buying the whole Dutch optometrist disguise?
Yes, very much so. It would appear many North Koreans know just about as much as I do when it comes to optometry. As long as I maintain the Dutch accent, no body questions it.
-Have you had any problems? Searches? Questioning? Diarrhea from questionable Korean food?
Yes. Yes. Yes. And yes. Everyone questions you here. Farmers, business men, ice cream men, firefighters, and grandmothers. And if they don’t, the state police will. 348 people have asked for my papers. And 369 people have given me a cavity search.
-In terms of cavity searches, that seems extensive…
-What are the chances, in percentage form, that the amount of cavity searches you’re receiving contribute to the diarrhea?
I’d say 60-80%
-The big news today, of course, is the missile movement. What can you tell us about that? How are they moving their missiles?
All weapons are moved by bicycle. At first it seemed quite comical, but the median age of North Korea is 78 so I’ve seen multiple old people fall off the road carrying a load of enriched uranium, or medium-range missiles. Luckily the towns that subsequently got wiped off the map, never actually existed in the first place. They were just cardboard buildings put there to trick the population into thinking this country is densely populated with hardworking Government Supporters.
-Bicycles can’t be the only mode of transportation. How were they able to move so many missiles such a great distance?
Ah, you’re right I’m forgetting something. They also use carts pulled by water buffalo.
-Supposedly, North Korea has been authorized to attack and use nuclear weapons. Who gave that authorization?
A short, fat man who is trying to follow in his father’s footsteps. A father who loved Looney Tunes. You know what, I’m beginning to legitimately fear for my life.
-What are the chances they move forward with these attacks?
There’s zero chance. If there was a number less than zero, I’d use that.
-Are you not familiar with negative numbers?
No. I didn’t have to take any math courses for the journalism degree at Northern Montana Central Methodist University College.
-You’re a NMCMUC grad? They definitely didn’t make the final four.
Our basketball team actually committed mass suicide in ’98.
Look for more from John Doe as the situation in North Korea develops.