A Letter to the NCAA: You Dudes Are Cray

What’s happening my people?!

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m AAU basketball coach Pimp Donut McSwaggerson. I coach a Chicago AAU team called the Cash Money Billionaires.

Pimp Donut McSwaggerson
Pimp Donut McSwaggerson

A young baller named Ben McLemore got in trouble with the NCAA today because his AAU coach took improper benefits from an agent. A fuckin’ coach. Are you shitting me?? Ben’s old AAU coach took money and now KU’s in trouble? Well if that ain’t the most fucked shit I’ve ever seen, I don’t know what is. Let me tell you a little bit about AAU ball.

That shit cray.

The Cash Money Billionaires know a thing or two about improper benefits. BILL-BILL-BILL-BILLIONAIRES! We stack papers. GWOP SON! Last year we had a 15 year old baller named Jamarkcuss Laqwan Jamacason and that kid drove a Bentley. Do you know Versace makes jock straps? Jamarkcuss does. And you want to talk to me about improper benefits? Last year LaFlawn Doelando, our power point guard/forward/small center had Mink warm-ups. He got them from a drug dealer named Bigg Starr. Bigg Starr has been our biggest financial supporter since the Cash Money Millionaires (millions before billions, my people) combined with an outcast sect of the Maniac Disciple gangsters on the Southside of Chicago.

Our youth basketball team is fueled by a Chicago drug dealer. Literally. Half my team is coked up every game. Last week we had to stop a game early because Lecleeziel Bonzernibble, our small forward, got such a bad nose bleed, his left eye shut. Permanently.

It’s a blizzard before every basketball game. You want to tell me these are proper benefits? Son, we INVENTED improper benefits! We got NBA agents rolling around these parts errday. They spit money like a broken ATM. Don’t be thinking MAKE IT RAIN! That shit hasn’t been gangsta since 2008. No one makes it rain anymore.

And the strippers. Oh man, the strippers. One girl name Krystal Angelwing is a grandma and she’s 28. Have you ever tried to pay a stripper in gold bars? Bitches get buckwild.

And yet, when a chill dude from St. Louis finds out his AAU coach took money meant for him, he also finds out that his school is going to suffer extreme penalties. BITCH, get off me! How does that make sense?! This dude is starving. He hungry. His family is starving. And he didn’t even take the money!

Let me get this straight. The NCAA is okay with bringing in billions (and son, legal billions are for chicks. Gangsta’s don’t make legal billions) and they’re okay with third parties making billions, but AAU coaches are shit out of luck? Somethin  is wrong with this picture.


When Ben McLemore comes out of the projects, and doesn’t take money despite the fact his parents are feeding his siblings phone books, you have to reward the kid. Not penalize him. Look at his family history. If anyone should be allowed to take money, it should be this kid McLemore.

I think the NCAA has some soul searching to do.

And maybe they should look in their own wallets before they start freaking out about who else is getting that paper.

Coming up scrilla scrilla,

Pimp Donut McSwaggerson

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