A Post By: Michael Gallo
I, like many Jayhawk fans out there, cried uncontrollably when I heard the news about Andrew Wiggins attending the University of Kansas. You see, I’m more than just a KU basketball fan…I’m an
alumni alumnis, graduate of KU. Well, partial graduate. I’ve completed all the requirements and the school recognizes me as a graduate, but I have a campus parking ticket, and I used multiple racial slurs in a conversation with my adviser, so they won’t send me my diploma or return my phone calls. Which is really lame of them, when you think about it. In fact, despite having a nice job, which provides me a sizable amount of disposable income, I never donate any money to the school. IN FACT, if I were close enough, I would steal. BECAUSE I WANT MY FUCKING DIPLOMA!
I digress. Andrew Wiggins is coming to the University of Kansas to play for their men’s basketball team. That’s pretty fantastic news, because apparently, he isn’t too bad at basketball, both street and NCAA-certified versions.
I also love the town of Lawrence, Kansas. Here are a few of the things I hope he gets to do while he’s in Lawrence. For 9 months.
1. Miss class because of a horrific dining experience at any number of Chinese buffets.
You can be a coward and go to the mainstream Tryyaki buffet on Iowa…or you can roll the dice with your own life and go to King’s Buffet, conveniently nestled between a large furniture outlet and a nondescript storefront. The “fried rice” is neon yellow, the meat has chunks of plastic in it, and they play Usher all day long. But you haven’t lived until you wake up in the middle of the night with cold sweats and stomach pain that makes your feet shake.
“Do I make myself barf? Will that guarantee this hellish experience will end? Do I commit suicide? Life isn’t worth living if pain like this is possible!”
There’s food poisoning, and then there’s sitting up in the morning and barfing a clear liquid out of your nostrils. So why did we continue to go back? Because during the day it was only $5.95. So yeah…we hit that place up. And you haven’t experienced college until you choose almost certain food poisoning over paying more than 6 bucks for lunch.
2. Run from any of several “police forces”.
Because KU is blessed by the presence of the University of Kansas Police Department, the amount of cops in Lawrence, KS almost doubles! For you scoring at home, that gives you twice the opportunity to run from police. Any cardio workout I did in college came from running from the police. I’m not sure why it happened so often. Freshman and sophomore year it was obviously because I chose to indulge in spirited libations while not yet being able to legally do so. But even after I turned 21, the running continued. Apparently, in the city limits of Lawrence, the command “could you please stop right there” actually means, “If you don’t mind, could you take off running?” There were several methods:
-The casually turn-acknowledge cop with a head nod-pretend you see something behind him-take off running in the opposite direction
-The Distraction: The moment you hear sirens, flip a table or spike a recently opened beer against a brick wall. Use the moment of calamity as cover and run for it.
-If you see something that even resembles a cop car, take off at a dead sprint towards any shadow in a half-mile radius. You can meet up with your friends later.
3. Have a nice, pleasant time on Mass Street
Mass Street is where it GOES DOWN! There’s a lot to do. Like eat food, or drink beer. Or run from the cops. Once…I did all three. Not at the same time, but it was a sort of chain reaction. It all started with a homeless man named Bingo Dan. You know what, I should probably talk about this in another post. Let’s move on.
4. Go to a KU basketball game
He should have this one covered.
5. Walk around KU’s campus with Dre Beats on while mumbling incoherent lyrics.
He should also have this one covered.
6. Go to an authentic house party
Student ghetto. I saw speakers burst open water pipes one time. Bass so loud you could feel it in your organs.
7. Go to class
Hopefully he enjoys his two semesters at KU!