The following is a letter from former Congressman Anthony Weiner. For whatever reason, he chose The Doozy to announce that he’s running for mayor of NYC.
Constituents of America,
I’m former Congressman Anthony Weiner. I want to take this time to announce that I will be running for Mayor of New York City. I know what you’re thinking.
“Why did the Weiner choose to announce that he’s running for mayor on The Doozy?”
The simple answer? The Doozy offers top-notch journalism and fact reporting that you can’t find anywhere else. If the bombings in Boston and the tornadoes in Oklahoma have taught us anything, it’s that we can’t trust the media. But The Doozy? The Doozy has the common good in mind. Plus, if you announce it on The Doozy, then it’s pretty damn official.
Now, let’s get down to business. As many of you know, I have a penchant for exposing myself in text messages. I admit that this is a problem no matter what sphere you work in. But as someone who held a Congressional position, it was especially bad.
Compounding this “problem” is the fact that my last name is Weiner. Really savor that for a second. Like honestly what the hell was I thinking? And now I am asking for your forgiveness. Because let’s face it, this beautiful country that we live in should be called the United States of Second Chances.
We live with a certain freedom. A freedom that allows men and women of all walks of life to vote. A freedom that allows us to practice whatever religion we want. A freedom that allows us to enjoy a unique quality of life. Unless you’re Muslim of course.
Who’s to tell us that freedom can’t extend to genital freedom? So what, I like to take pictures of me flexing and send them to women over Twitter. Does that make me weird? Is that illegal? Who’s to say? The legal system is liquid.
I guess that’s what I’m getting at. Everyone is just a small part of the human existence. My existence involved dick pics. And yet, I’m running for mayor. I was unable to control myself as a Congressman. And now, I’m asking for more responsibility so that my choices can affect more people. You think sexting a pic of your dick to a def female is the worst that can happen? Make me the mayor of New York, and watch the shit hit the fan.
I’m going to have doubters. I’m going to have “haters”. But to them, I say “watch this”. Seriously, watch my YouTube videos. And if you don’t believe me, send me your phone number and I’ll make you regret it.
Former Congressman and Mayoral Hopeful Anthony “The Weiner” Weiner
p.s. Can we just settle this…
I am more buff than Paul Ryan.
There, I said it.