What’s up children?!
It’s your favorite Super Bowl winning linebacker Ray Muffafuckin Lewis! Ya’ll thought I was gone…but I’m still here. I’m in your head son!
First and foremost, I want to give a big shout out to my boy Bron Bron, for pulling in a second ‘ship. I won 2 ‘ships. Bron Bron won 2 ‘ships. Coincidence? Fuck that, WITNESS!
Secondly, I want to welcome Aaron Hernandez to an elite professional sports club. The Murder Club. You got some high profile homies in this joint. OJ the Juice! Oscar Pistorius, that nubbed-leg maniac. Let’s see, who else…well, no one I can think of the moment. But that’s okay, cause we’re inducting a new member! But Aaron, there are a few rules you have to get used to…
The first rule of Murder Club? Don’t get busted for murder! It’s super simple, there’s only one rule! And you done broke it Aaron. You’re busted. And it all started with an altercation outside of a strip club.
Have I ever gotten into an altercation outside of a strip club? Only on days that end in “Y”. When I was playing I used to get into fights in the strip club, on the way out of the strip club, in the parking lot of the strip club and then I would start an altercation with the limo driver on the way to my next strip club. Altercations are gonna happen. Frequently, if you’re an idiot. But true mastery comes from being able to get into altercations and not murder someone.
But Aaron didn’t have that skill yet. He’s a young guy; it takes years of assaulting people and getting away with it because of celebrity and money before you can go for the big lights out. It always sucks seeing a young blood waste so much talent. But he didn’t help himself out…
Lemme get this straight. You shot a guy, and then dumped his body in an industrial park? What are you fucking stupid?! An industrial park? Do you not watch movies? That’s the first place cops look! Come on bro; turn on CSI once in a while. Especially if you’re going to murder someone!
When I stabbed two guys, I left their bodies by a limo. Boom, mystery. It could have been anybody! Why are they in the street? Whose limo is this? See what I’m doing here, Aaron? It’s about creating confusion. So there were three eyewitnesses? Dunnit matter. I created enough confusion that it took a while to nail me. In that time, I lawyered up and came up with an awesome “innocence-catchphrase”.
“I didn’t see nothing!” – Me, after murdering two guys.
Let’s face facts. Aaron Hernandez killed a man because he thought he could get away with it. He thought his money and his stature in American sports could prevent him from getting arrested. The dude’s straight ignorant! How do I know? Because I was in the same position at one time. I was young, stupid, and homicidal. But look at me, I’m kickass. But I also never got convicted.
Luckily Aaron is big enough to defend himself in prison. For the first few weeks.