A Post By: Michael Gallo
If you’re anything like me, you owe money all over town and sometimes eat ketchup sandwiches because you blew $3,000 last weekend because you REALLY thought Johnny Football was going to single-handedly beat Alabama. But, you know, you can’t always be right, and when people come looking for their money and beat in your windshield and you cover yourself in a trash bag and garbage and lay by the dumpster…
I digress. This column isn’t about personal issues, it’s about college football and who you should be betting on this weekend. I’m not actually positive that this column is legal, but legality has never been my main focus. Let’s get right into it:
North Carolina Vs. Georgia Tech
I’m putting my money on North Carolina. It came out a few years ago that North Carolina changed the grades of some of their better players. That’s good. I always bet on football programs that cheat. In fact, the better team is just the team that has figured out how to cheat on wider scale and still get away with it.
Louisiana Tech Vs. Kansas
This will be your first money making venture today. Put big money on Louisiana Tech. Kansas football is an abomination. Currently, I think the Oklahoma State University football team has a better case for keeping their football program than Kansas does. They should just kill it and put it out of its misery. So let’s say you’re a novice gambler, and don’t want to blow big money….put it on L Tech. Wait, KU is so bad L Tech may be the favorite. You know, I should probably be looking at the lines for these things…
Tennessee Vs. Florida – Florida by 16.0, O/U: 45.5
Okay, now I’m looking at lines. But I don’t know how to read them…OU is not playing in this game so I am not sure what their 45.5 points has to do with anything….
And how do you score .5 points? Go with Florida, they’re ranked.
Michigan State Vs. Notre Dame
I know Notre Dame is at home, but Michigan State is undefeated and has Tom Izzo as a coach. I am definitely not going to bet against that. However, watching Big Ten football is like being on super strong cough medicine, so buckle down if you’re forced to watch this game.
Louisiana-Monroe Vs. Baylor
Just like the KU game, this is where you’re going to make your money. Put your life savings on Louisiana-Monroe. I got a hunch about this one. My Cousin Paulie knows someone who went to Louisiana-Monroe and they just have that look in their eyes this year. Fact.
Colorado State Vs. Alabama
Okay, I’m gonna sound crazy, but put your money on Color-
I’m joking. Don’t even bet on this game. But if you have a psychotic, desperate bookie (I have seven), then place bets with him when you think Saban is going to leave. There’s a lot of money in coach departure betting.
Arizona State Vs. Stanford
Stanford is 5, and Arizona State is 23, but that shouldn’t stop you from blowing someone else’s money. Ask someone close to you to borrow 300 dollars and then put it on Arizona State. If you win it big, only give the 300 back. If you blow it, never speak with them again.
Savannah State Vs. Miami
Money. ON. Savannah State. There I said it. Am I crazy? Do I make rash decisions because of some disorder? Maybe. But I’ve cleaned out two bank accounts for this game. And you won’t be laughing when I get an all-white car, an all-white tux, and a poodle and move to Vegas. No, you won’t be laughing.
Auburn Vs. LSU
Auburn = unranked. LSU = #6. LSU’s coach, Les Miles, is in the middle of a Shiticane (a hurricane of shit, seriously, get out more) with the OSU scandal, and there is no way he is focusing for this game like he should be. Go with Auburn. They got Cam Newton at quarterback. Wham. Bam. Thank you, ma’am. No seriously…thank you.
Kansas State Vs. Texas
A lot of people like Texas. And a lot of people that like Texas want Mack Brown fired. But Mack Brown seems like one of those pissed off, senile old men that just does things to spite people and piss everyone off. So expect a big game from Texas. Kansas State lost to some shit school from North Dakota, but damn did the excuses come flying in. “They’re a REALLY good FCS school.” Oh yeah, bro? That’s cute.
Alright, there you have it. Game predictions for your gambling…with only one real line…and zero research.*
*The Barnyard Lampoon does not advise you taking this gambling advice. It is ill-informed.