15 failed Buzzfeed Submissions

A Post By: Michael Gallo

Writing for Buzzfeed is the ultimate goal of anyone who has ever put pen to paper. Hemingway, Poe, Twain, Faulkner, and Whitman are all insignificant schleps because they never gave me 13 signs I was born in the back of a 7-11. Which I was.

So it shouldn’t surprise any of you that I submit about four stories a week to Buzzfeed. Usually the subject line says things like “please notice me or I’ll hurt myself” or my personal favorite “This one may contain nude photos”. I’ve yet to hear anything back from any of my submissions, but I look to the future with confidence. I have compiled all of my rejected submissions to make yet another Buzzfeed submission. Here it is for both your pity and entertainment.

1.     13 Reasons it’s cool to be hairy

2.     11 Signs you have chronic diarrhea

3.     9 Signs you’re a big dumb Gypsy

4.     15 Signs your foster parents failed you

5.     11 Uses for barfed up Coffee

6.     34 Gnarly things to do when you’re blacked out on Jameson

7.     12 Signs you’re the type of person who would fake your own death to collect on life insurance

8.     15 Reasons to watch TV on hallucinogenic drugs

9.     19 Signs you were raised by Eskimos

10.   20 Gifs that will make you want to murder a Russian nationalist

11.   10 Adorable photos that will make you rethink your stance on sex addiction

12.   15 Signs you’re a “cat person” and you’re going to die alone

13.   The 54 Best gifs of interstate wrecks that resulted in multiple deaths

14.   11 Facts you didn’t know about minimally invasive colorectal surgeries

15.   19 Photos of tyrannical dictators naked

naked-kim-jong-il

I have no idea why these get rejected.

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