A Letter to My Congresswoman Addressing The Hunger Games

Dear Congresswoman Lynn Jenkins,

First and foremost, I would like to congratulate you on not being involved with that disaster of a health care website. Maybe next time you’re in Kansas we can crush a couple of Old Milwaukees and get Kevin Yodered on 435 Highway. But I do have serious business to discuss with you.

Last night I watched a very disturbing documentary. A documentary that really turned a mirror on society and forced me to examine just how vicious human nature can be. This documentary was called The Hunger Games. The director made it a point (several times) to explain the format for a disgusting display of sport and savagery. Congresswoman Jenkins, this film made me sick. To think that in 2013 we’re still sending young children into a combat-bio-dome is absolutely reprehensible. Today it would seem that we’re finally on the precipice of real change, as we work together as humans to end civil war, world hunger, climate change, and human trafficking. Now to be honest, I have zero evidence to support the fact that we’re working together to fight any of that, but I figure it’s safe to assume.

I have to admit that, despite years in the world-renowned American education system, I never once learned about the war that split America into 12 Districts along with a Capitol. However, I refuse to believe that the American education system failed me. That would literally be impossible because George Dubya Bush made GOD DAMN certain that no kid was EVER left behind. Adding to my confusion is the style of dress in the Capitol. I’ve never seen anyone dress like that or have hair that color and I went to a notorious NYC gay bar on New Year’s Eve (It’s called Chubby’s Flat Tire, if you’re ever in the Brooklyn neighborhood of Pounce Pounce Moon Trap [What the hipsters call it]).

Congresswoman Lynn Jenkins, your highness (is that your formal title? Please help), the only logical conclusion is that The Hunger Games documentary takes place in another country. Which frankly makes me feel a lot better. I knew America was better than that. Well parts of it…my neighbor made his kids fight each other with hammers in the front yard over a four-wheeler. Did I buy a beer from the street vendor and watch it? Yeah, I did. But so did the entire block! James won. His nickname is still Dome Buster. And the memorial for the other 3 kids was really, really beautiful.

So Political Princesswoman Lynn Jenkins, where do the Hunger Games happen? I bet it’s those damn Egyptians. Those people are complete maniacs. And to think they came up with hieroglyphics. Or maybe Sudan? Uganda? I bet Kony is behind this!

Wherever the Hunger Games happen, we should invade that country and end the horrific practice of pitting children against each other to prove that there’s hope and obedience and some other nonsense that I didn’t really follow. I wanted to see more people take arrows to the throat. Also, if the country has oil then I think we could really kill a lot more people with one stone.

Much love,

Your constituent,

Michael Francis Gallo

*BL Readers, enjoy these Hunger Games memes:

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