Things Edward Snowden is Hiding in His Doomsday Cache

A Post By: Michael Gallo

News broke today that Edward Snowden has a “Doomsday” cache, a bank of information that would be so devastating if released, he keeps it in case he ever finds himself facing arrest or physical harm. Through exclusive communications with Snowden and a Moscow Airport custodian who spoke to Snowden on several occasions, the Barnyard Lampoon has been able to piece together a small list of a portion of what is stored on the cloud.

-The Manuscript to Harry Potter 8, which he wrote in the Moscow airport

Fueled by Dunkin Donuts, and Nutter Butter’s from the Here’s Your News airport gift shop, Snowden pumped out the heart-warming tale of Harry’s life after Hogwarts. Concerned about what people would think when they discovered that Harry is actually a rampant homosexual, Snowden decided to hide it in the cache which requires several different passwords which are only valid for certain times of the day.

-His draft order and back-up possibilities for the 2014-2015 NFL Fantasy Football Season

The extent of the NSA’s reach is still not really understood, but the fact that they know where certain players will be a year from now really speaks to their power over the internet.

-That picture from high school of him doing that thing with that turtle

Beers were consumed, and mistakes were made.

-His password to mimeyourmanners.com, the only forum for aspiring mimes

Silence is his passion.

-The simple, quick, and cheap solution to all of the problems concerning healthcare.gov.

It really is this simple, and the solution can be yours for 150 easy payments of $1,000.

-398 soft copy receipts to Orange Leaf yogurt shop

6 years of paranoia have led to fears of overcharging and prolonged price inflation. “If they raise the price by ten cents one more time, I’m never going again.” He’s told himself 13 times.

-A collection of photos where he photoshopped himself next to Jennifer Aniston

Images include Snowden with Aniston in Central Park, on a yacht in the Mediterranean, and watching last year’s Kentucky Derby.

I think it’s safe to say, if any of this got out…the world would soon come to an end.

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