BL Business: Buy Gallons of Sriracha Hot Sauce

A Post By: BL Business Correspondent, Michael Gallo

All good things come to an end, and it would appear the end is nigh. The world is about to run out of Sriracha hot sauce. It would seem that the moment of truth is upon us. Most analysts are going to tell you that this story is “not important” and that Sriracha can just “make more sauce”, but the BL Business section reads between the lines: Sriracha will be completely gone from this earth as early as March 2014. After the disappearance of Sriracha, one of two things will happen:

1) nothing

2)The Apocalypse.

Groups of roving warriors will spend their days killing people in search of what remains of the earth’s Sriracha supply. They will probably wear animal furs and human skulls, and give up their Christian names along with whatever monotheistic god they believe in. Instead, they’ll worship the Sriracha Rooster and murder children. The future is bleak.

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BL Reader: I don’t know, this all seems sort of harsh. Could someone really love a hot sauce this much?

Let me convince you with a little story…

I was once eating at a swank Asian Bistro on the west side of the north end uptown. I ordered the Teriyaki Nugget Mist with burnt Lamb Anus and patiently waited (the restaurant makes you wait for 55 minutes to eat, because that’s “in”). While I was waiting, an elderly woman approached a table full of hipsters. She asked for their Sriracha.

They stabbed her.

People love Sriracha in a weird, uncomfortable, and illogical way. And the world is about to run out of it. So take our word for it and heed this advice:

-forget gold, the new, hot investment is Sriracha.

Sriracha Jim Cramer

There’s no guarantee this stuff is ever coming back, so stock up now and get ready to defend your stock from post-apocalyptic hoards with fire arms. If you don’t own firearms, sell a very small portion of your sriracha stock to an underground dealer in NYC’s Chinatown and use the 2.3 million dollars to get as many munitions as possible. If possible, acquire a tank. If a tank is acquired, get cool looking goggles.

oddball

-People are doing a lot of nasty, terrible, hedonistic, and disgusting things to get their grimy hands on sriracha. Avoid doing these things, because even though sriracha hoarding will bring you great wealth and fantastic riches…if these things come at the expense of your morality, then what are you left with?
-Empty your savings and use it all to buy Sriracha. Once you get it, dye it with pen ink so it loses its distinct red color. People will start looking into your windows to see if you have any. This isn’t a game.

-Do you have a family? Leave them. It will be easier than watching them get hurt or murdered over a hot sauce.
There’s no guarantee that any of this will help you. The world is about to separate the boys from the men.
Make peace with your god…
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