A Post By: Michael Gallo
It would seem that the New York Yankees are in constant pursuit of one day having a player actually die on the field. However, unlike the barbaric NFL where the first on-field fatality will come from a head-to-head collision at 89 mph, this on-field fatality will be from old age. The New York Yankees recently acquired Brian Roberts, a 36 year old 2nd baseman from the Baltimore Orioles.
Granted, they signed him to a one year deal, but still, in baseball 36 is ancient. I imagine the acquisition conversation occurred between GM and Senior Vice President Brian Cashman, and all-American, fictitious Yankees executive Jim Man McAmerican. It probably went something like this:
Jim Man McAmerican: Well, we still have to replace Robinson Cano, since he chose to throw away the glamour of New York for wherever Seetle is.
Brian Cashman: It’s Seattle.
Jim Man McAmerican: Ha, more like SETTLE!
*Both executives high-five, an action that magically lights two cigars.*
McAmerican: Anyway, I was thinking about getting this 24 year old prospect from the Jays, they have a great farm system.
Cashman: 24? Are you friggen serious? We’d have to teach him how to drive!
McAmerican: What? No, at 24 they already know how-
Cashman: No, it’s out of the question. We start at 30 and work our way up. At least those guys can vote. Or fight in wars.
McAmerican: Our players do neither…
Cashman: A solid point.
McAmerican: Where should we look for these guys?
Cashman: I’d start by Googling “washed-up players no one wants”. If that doesn’t yield any results, try checking local retirement homes or watch game footage from last year’s Old-Timers’ Day. If they can still swing, they can play.
McAmerican: Okay, well I was also thinking about Brian Roberts? He’s 36.
Cashman: That’s a little young…But at least he won’t still be studying for the ACT…
McAmerican: I’m starting to think you have some weird, skewed sense of age or some-
Cashman: You know what, to hell with it. Let’s just do it. We’re not gonna find another Cana anytime soon.
McAmerican: You mean, Cano?
*Both high-five again, and Cashman begins to load a literal money cannon.*