A Post By: Michael Gallo
Congratulations on making it this far into the NFL season without losing all of your life savings and having to move to Thailand where you open up a small noodle shop and refer to yourself as the Great White Ghost.
I’ve seen too many people hit rock bottom from sports gambling, and the unfortunate common denominator is the fact that they get all of their gambling advice from this website. Let’s start with some simple predictions:
New England Patriots vs. Denver Broncos (Denver -5.5)
The Broncos are at home in one of the best NFL stadiums, they have the crowd support and Peyton Manning will be in his comfort zone. But OMAHA! Tom Fucking Brady is running a tight ship up there in New England, and this guy does not like losing. In fact, in his career, he has only lost two road playoff games. So the choice is easy right? Go to the bank and tell them that you need a loan to get a new car. If you’re not an incompetent idiot with your money, then they should be able to approve you for the loan and you can get a large sum of money. But OMAHA, change the play and put the entire loan on the New England Patriots winning in Denver. Trust me on this one, TFB is walking away with a road victory, and you’re walking away with street cred when you go to collect and end up killing your town’s bookie/kingpin with a Glock because he stepped to you.
BL Reader: It sounds like a really bad idea to put a bank-approved loan on a sports bet…
Oh really? See that’s the problem with this generation. They think they can gamble without the risk. But newsflash, risk is inherent in gambling. That’s the very nature of the thing! I’m from the school of hard-knocks, son. I put my shoes on my feet. Back in my day, gambling wasn’t cute, people got hurt. Do you know how many times I’ve been savagely attacked by a Rottweiler because I couldn’t pay up? At least 12. So how about you just save your tears for someone who’s going to care.
Pick: New England Patriots by 7
San Francisco 49ers vs. Seattle Seahawks ( Seattle -3.5)
Normally, I would never suggest you base sports betting decisions on a Beats commercials, but this one gets you pretty fired up. Jim Harbaugh even said so, and he never gets fired up about anything. Just imagine, Colin Kaepernick rolling up in the bus, for whatever reason he hasn’t been listening to music up until this point (because the drive from SF to Seattle is quick?) and then they hit CenturyLink Field where the Seahawks play. All of a sudden there are riotous crowds of savage man-beasts throwing anything and everything at the bus. Never mind that security is standing right there and that they would probably be able to prevent someone from breaking the bus window with a cooler, or pelting the whole thing with eggs. Just look how calm, cool, and collected Colin Kaepernick is. He’s got this.
You know, on second thought that would probably shake someone up. I don’t care how expensive your headphones are, if someone shattered my bus window with a fucking cooler, I’m getting a little nervous.
Colin Kaepernick: they don’t just want me to lose, they want me dead…
Thoughts like that get into a person’s head. Well, all thoughts are in someone’s head…
Regardless, I bet Kaepernick is going to be a little rattled today. Meanwhile, Seattle has Russell Wilson who’s cooler than the other side of the freezer (the side that ISN’T stacked with microwaveable burritos and the frozen veggies that you’re never going to eat).
He’s all like “boom, throw it” or “boom, run it” or like “boom, Marshawn take this to the house”. Plus with so many cooler-throwing fans, the home crowd is going to give the Seahawks a definite advantage. If you have children, empty their college savings and put it on the Seahawks.
Pick: Seattle Seahawks by 7
In these troubling economic times, it’s important to remember to put large amounts of money on uncertain things like sporting events. The adrenaline rush, pain of defeat, and thrill of victory will make you feel human again. Since your dead-end job, lack of any sort of love life, and meaningless existence certainly isn’t doing it for you. I’ve got $5,000 going on this weekend. I’m either going to be extremely happy come Monday, or on a plane to Thailand.