Alpine Skiing: A Competitive Death Wish

A Post By: Michael Gallo

Skiing is a fun, leisurely activity that people around the world partake in to relax, exercise, and compete. But what if you begin participating in skiing as a young child and you want to take an already dangerous sport and add an element of uncertainty and death? Your mother would most likely suggest Alpine Skiing.

Alpine Skiing is a term that describes a few different disciplines of competitive skiing, like downhill and slalom.

But really, it’s just a competitive death wish.

Alpine-skiing

Alpine Skiing may be one of the most absurd and dangerous sports I’ve watched in the last ten weeks, and I frequently watch underground animal wrestling broadcast out of Eastern Europe.

Alpine Skiing at the Sochi Olympics is particularly dangerous, because the course builders screwed it up, and the absurdly warm temperatures aren’t helping anyone.

Skiers say “it’s like winter at the top and spring at the bottom”. As in, right about the time you hit insane speeds, you’re entering an area of uneven and choppy snow. That doesn’t sound like a course obstacle, it sounds like a death trap.

alpine-skiing-out-of-control

How it works:

Skiers start near the top of the mountain, kiss loved ones goodbye (potentially forever), make peace with whatever god they pray to, and then push off for potentially the last time ever.  Next, they rocket down the mountain on thin pieces of metal going speeds that would be illegal in a car.

Alpine skiers are careful to wear skintight spandex so that their clothes don’t flap around and cause drag, because in this sport, it’s a game of milliseconds. However, the same cannot be said for their faces, which are undoubtedly flapping wildly in the wind, with spittle and chunks of flesh flying from their mouths.

At their fastest, downhill competitors typically hit speeds around 84 mph. While that may seem “manageable”, consider a crash. At 84 mph, all hope is lost and your body will end up in a motionless, mangled heap next to some bright orange fencing.

In fact, let’s quickly address that: alpine skiers are real athletes; by my estimation, a male competitor probably weighs around 200-210 pounds. So you have a 200-pound person rocketing down a hill going 84 mph. I failed physics, but I’m pretty sure that’s about 6,000 megatons of quadratic force.

“How do we stop 6,000 megatons of quadratic force?” – course worker

“Hm…what about that flimsy orange fencing construction workers use?” – course worker 2

“Will that even slow the person down, or will it just provide an opportunity for the skier to hit a metal post at 84 mph? Or better yet, get his finger stuck in a hole so that it can snap clean off.”

Both workers barf.

The Sochi course has something called the Russian Trampoline, which is a giant jump that gives skiers the illusion that they’re going to fly into a nearby pond. Sounds like fun, right? But it’s also deceiving, because trampolines are fun and, for the most part, safe. Trampolines imply joy, recreation, and living. The Russian Trampoline doesn’t. It sends skiers airborne for up to 80 yards before they hit the ground and have half a second to turn or they’re going to careen into a line of trees that will absolutely murder them.

alpine-skiing-olympics

There are sports for men, and there are sports for men who have an absolute disregard for their own personal safety/lives. Alpine Skiing isn’t so much a sport; it’s a potential way to die. Like natural causes, heart attacks, or drowning. Heart attacks aren’t a sport. Alpine Skiing is.

So if you’re ever looking to get rid of somebody, just convince him or her to pick up Alpine Skiing.

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