It’s your favorite secret leaker, Edward Snowden! I’m here in Russia trying to escape American tyranny, and prolong an imminent execution. In Sochi, you can’t be a secret leaker…cause there are no stall walls! Do you get it?
I’m having a lot of fun here. Basically, by running from American prosecution and fearing for my life so aggressively that I have “incurable” diarrhea, I have been able to check out the 2014 Sochi Games. That’s pretty good timing if you ask me! Not a lot of Americans have been able to make it out here. And the few Americans that are here, aren’t seeking asylum in foreign countries to avoid assassination attempts. I kid, but seriously.
People have been making a lot about the conditions here, but something that’s important to remember, is the fact that some people don’t get to leave after the games are over. Like native Russians, and me. I never get to go home. Ever.
People have been making fun of the bathroom conditions, drinking water, and security concerns. Let’s get something clear: when the toxins from the drinking water numb your brain, you don’t care about the other things.
And, that’s just how things are here. I saw a picture on the interweb, where someone made a big deal about how a road was still being paved in front of an Olympic venue the day before the games started. I haven’t driven on a finished road since I got to Russia, in part because I can’t drive. I don’t have a Russian license, and my adviser, King Krusty, said driving makes it “too easy” for snipers. So there’s that.
I am enjoying all the action. So far, I’ve checked out luge, cross country skiing, and some speed skating. I even got wasted at the Holland House with Sven Kramer! I performed a DJ set there under my stage name: Eddie Snow.
Despite what you may think, I am still cheering for the American competitors. I have to wear a disguise when I go to all the events. I wear a fake nose, a big American hat and a fake mustache.
Maybe I shouldn’t have posted that photo….
Maybe I shouldn’t be writing this article. I don’t know who’s going to read it…
Now I have to go to Russian Party City to get a new disguise. I’m going to Freestyle Skiing tonight!