A Post By: Michael Gallo
Lot’s of people think panini presses just make paninis. But those people are idiots. The concept for the panini press was first drawn up by Leonardo Da Vinci in 1567. 348 years later, the panini press is one of the most versatile tools you can put in your kitchen. Think it only puts weird grill marks on your sandwich? Think again!
1. Forge money
Heat is one of the most crucial elements you need when forging money. After getting the ink down of the paper, you’re gonna want to put the panini press on it to make the ink permanent, and to give it the watermarks that government officials will look for during your inevitable trial.
2. Cook rats
In many cultures, rat is considered a delicacy. If you’re feeding someone from one of those cultures at a dinner party, you’re gonna wanna cook rat. And trust me, panini presses give you the best cooked rat for your money. Grills are boring, and last time I checked, you shouldn’t cook over an open flame unless you’re trapped on a deserted-island. So man up and cook with a panini ress.
3. Permanently maim your foot
4. Make stupid looking waffles
Why should waffle irons have a monopoly on waffle production? That’s just stupid. I want healthy competition when it comes to waffle production. That’s the spirit of capitalism! So next time you have a 50 gallon drum of waffle batter, pour that shit into a panini press and get ready for some stupid looking, messy waffles.
5. Disappoint your parents
You still suck, and you doing all these dumb things with a panini press, definitely won’t help your case.
6. Heat your apartment
Crank your panini press up to 11, and just leave it unattended to let it safely heat your apartment. For an added heating element, stuff it full of newspaper first.
7. Iron your clothing
Same thing as a waffle iron. I’m not gonna have some communist bastard tell me that I can only iron my clothes with an iron. Move over, I’m pressing my clothes on this sandwich maker, and you’re gonna like it!
8. Straighten your hair
Make sure your hair is wet first, or you’re going to start a pretty sizable fire on your head.
9. Cook up a batch of homemade liquor for a party
Grain alcohol + cinnamon sticks + brown sugar + fruit punch + rubbing alcohol + a panini grill = a pretty balling liquor that tastes like apple pie and molten metal.
10. Create painful, but permanent body art
Put whatever design you want adorning your body forever on the grill, and then place the desired body part into the panini press. Press down and hold it until the pain makes you black out. Next, show all your friends at the Slayer concert.
11. Light a fuse for an 1849 Old timey miner’s pile of TNT
12. Create your own shoes. Or at least the soles
Pour liquid rubber into the press, scoop out the stuff you don’t want with your bare hand, and then boom…add cloth and you have shoes.
13. Get rid of incriminating documents
Uh oh, the IRS is knocking at your door. You better get those offshore receipts and incriminating documents, and set them on fire with the panini press. If the IRS agent points to the pile of ashes on the press, and asks “what is this?” Say, “A god damn sandwich press, you moron!”
14. Burn your hand just to feel again
Good for post-break up pouting sessions, and when you get off work and realize you’re stuck in what appears to be a meaningless routine that will lead you to your grave. The sizzle of your hand will make you alive.
15. Brand Livestock
Getting livestock confused with someone else’s makes for a long and complicated legal battle that ends in a shootout, 5 generation blood feud, or both. Avoid the confusion and brand your cattle with a panini press.
See, there’s lots to do with a panini press. Buy one today and start living life!