Me and My Millions: A Letter From Nick Saban

Hey Idiots,

It’s Nick Saban, coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide. I’m currently typing this on Window’s XP. Why is that important? Because with my 6.5 million a year contract extension, I may just upgrade to Vista. Then you guys really won’t know what to do. Hell, with this type of money I may splurge and get an ipod. We’ll see though, some of my players have ipods, and they look as complicated as all get out, making phone calls and what not. I don’t need that, I’m not about that. I have a landline, thank you.

I know what most of you morons are going to say: Why in God’s living tarnation is Nick Saban making that type of money? I have one thing to say back to you…HOW MANY GLASS FOOTBALLS HAVE YOU HELD IN YOUR SORRY LIFE?! Cause I have more glass footballs than I have ACTUAL footballs, so yeah sorry I’m making that Willie Nelson money.

But it hasn’t been all fun and games. You gotta be tough if you’re gonna make it to the mountaintop. To be chosen by God to lead his flock…well let’s just say you gotta break a few eggs if you want to make an omelet. I’ve been rough on some of the kids who chose to come play Saban Ball for the Crimson Tide. But truthfully, I had help.

I’ll let you in on a little secret: In 2006, my wife and I were gambling in an Indian casino in Tulsa when an elderly Native American medicine man came up to us and blew powder in our faces. I didn’t know it then, but I had just participated in a Wahobi Tribe spirit transfer. My soul was combined with the supernatural spirit of Bear Bryant. In 2007 I took the Alabama coaching job, and the rest, as they say, is history. Why did the medicine man choose me for his Wahobi Tribe spirit transfer (which by the way, is like a bee sting. That medicine man died just a day later. And it had nothing to do with the train accident he was in)? He chose me because he could sense a winning spirit, steadfast determination, and just enough of a kick spit, iron headed, pig-hearted constitution. I was made for winning, that’s why God generously put me on his green earth. To take everyone to the mountaintop!

Riddle me this, dunce…how many of my players have gone to the NFL? Damn near all of them! That’s because my goal in life is to lead everyone to the Promised Land, even if your name is Haha Clinton-Dix.

So before you judge, just know that I’m here to help people. Do you want to see the mountaintop?

ROLL DAMN TIDE!

Sincerely,

Nick Saban

Nick Saban
Me, with one of my glass footballs.
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