This Week’s News: 06/06/14

A Post By: Craig Sean and Michael Gallo

Missed all the news from last week? Let’s get you caught up:

World News:

Syria held an election

Assad seems to have won. The voters were given Assad pins, which they pricked themselves with. Not in the news yet, the pins, given to voters by the government, were laced with the popular product Sarin

fireplace ballot box
Syrian voting process

US News:

Alabama youth ministry promotes themselves…

billboard
Yes, you read correctly. They quoted Hitler.

Why teach kids a traditional book like the bible when you can drop your kids off at Life Savers Ministries to learn from the translated version of Mein Kampf. When asked about the billboard, founder James Anderegg said “Herbert Hoover would have been a far better one to quote when he said, ‘Children are our most valuable resource.” the order of the events makes me think they may actually be teaching kids straight out of Mein Kampf. I can only suggest we all stay away from this place. Considering all the kids in the state will need to attend private school now that the state drained their entire budget paying Nick Saban, so the German Youth could soon be a thing again, this time in Alabama.

SPORTS!:

Dan Marino forgets why he was suing the NFL

"Who's Dan Marino?" - Dan Marino
“Who’s Dan Marino?” – Dan Marino

Football is known to be a dangerous sport, but often times people forget how dangerous it is. Marino played pro ball for 17 years. According to his wikipedia page he often led the NFL in lowest sack rate with 10% of his dropbacks resulting in a sack. He threw 8358 passes during his career. We’ll round up a bit and say each sack was a hit in the head. Some may not have hit his head, but I’m sure he was hit in the head other times and not sacked… enough with the explaining, on to the facts: Dan was hit in the head 835.8 times in his pro career. He also played in college and before that, we’ll add 664.2 hits to the head from previous football experience and miscellaneous events such as when his wife found out he fathered a child during some extramarital activities. So, If my math is correct, Dan has been hit in the head no less than 1500 times. The NFL has long stood by their stance of “We’re not sure about head trauma, so we’re going to assume nothing happens if you take 1500 shots to the head, but good luck Dan!” So, Marino has taken back what he said about the NFL not helping people with concussions. the only conclusion I can draw from this is he doesn’t remember why he was in the lawsuit to begin with, which is why he should be suing…

History:

Obama decided to commemorate the anniversary of D-Day by visiting an American cemetery in France. At a time when the world needs strong American diplomacy, Obama’s gesture comes across as weak. Want to know what would have been better? How about re-storming the beach while taking live fire?

obama d-day

It’s incredibly hard to deny a man’s courage when he’s pinned to the sand and taking heavy fire and artillery rounds. But when he eventually takes the beach, just like ‘Murica so many years ago, France would basically become the 51st state.

"Meet me in Berlin" - Obama
“Meet me in Berlin” – Obama

Now you’re all caught up. Enjoy your weekend.

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