A Post By: Michael Gallo
Lately, it would seem that tough races are all the rage. They’re a perplexing fad, where people experience a strange desire to push their bodies to a false limit. I use the term “false”, because these events are not truly tough. Participants are not truly pushing their bodies to the threshold of physical capacity. There is no real risk of death, and often times there are staff members ready to jump in at a moments notice to save someone. In fact, I would go so far as to call all the participants of theses “races” pansies. That’s why we here at the Barnyard Lampoon have created the world’s toughest race. A race that is a TRUE test of mental and physical limits. A race that serves as a reminder (if you live through it) that life and freedom are truly beautiful. At the risk of sounding like Hitler: there is really only one race that matters.
The Escape from Alcatraz 5K Run and Swim.
The weekend starts on Friday morning when you land on an abandoned manmade island to check in. Pissed off police officers will take all of your clothing and personal possessions, and give you a pair of black slip on Vans.
Next, they shave your head while yelling at you. The weekend is just beginning.
You’re given a dark, damp cell infested with mold and rats, and locked inside for the duration of the weekend. The locks are real, and you’re not going anywhere. The guy across from you is crying and asking for his mother. Is he another race participant or a real-life person held against his will? You may never know, a mix of both is spread throughout the prison. “This is pretty awesome,” you think to yourself. Just wait.
The “prison staff” will consist entirely of ex-prison guards who were fired for inappropriate conduct. We will also use strict hiring guidelines to make sure we ONLY hire prison guards with emotional issues. We’re looking for real life childhood trauma, daddy issues, maybe even someone who was the victim of a psychological experiment in college. We’re gonna make sure these guards are good and pissed off. Why? Because they’re given absolute freedom when it comes to kicking the living shit out of the race participants. At anytime, day or night, they can enter your cell without warning and beat you with billy clubs. Best-case scenario, they only sort of damage vital organs. Worst-case scenario, they break a bone or kill you. After they leave, and you spit up blood a few teeth, you’ll either think this is the greatest challenge you’ll ever face, or you’ll piss yourself and start crying. Night one will separate the boys from the men.
This will go on for one to two days, all while you’re being fed bland prison food with maggots in it. You’ll really get your money’s worth if it goes into Sunday morning. Over the course of these two days you’re listening for one thing: the prison alarm. But here’s the catch, you don’t know when the alarm will sound. It could go at any hour, at any minute. And when it does, you better be ready.
When the alarm sounds, it’s time to get the hell out. Your mission is to escape our exact replica model of Alcatraz, which is incredible detailed in its reproduction, but has been slightly altered to make the layout more confusing. Remember, some people don’t want to escape. They’re just there to see you suffer. They’ll close line you as you run, smack you with boxing gloves made out of chunks of prison mattress, or stab you with shanks made out of sharpened toothbrushes. The entire run through the prison halls and the subsequent jump through a glass window that lands you on a beach, will be about a 5K.
At the beach, you’ll enter the water which has a yearly average temperature of 45 degrees. It’s shark infested. And you have a 3K head start before the guards are given boats and guns with rubber bullets.
Think this sounds too serious? That’s because it is. We’re already hiring a world-class legal team to handle the influx of deaths. We expect people to perish while running our race. Death is completely necessary if you want to have the world’s toughest race. And from a business standpoint, it works for the following reasons:
-Imagine a family member or loved one is running the Escape from Alcatraz and they die. Pretty soon there are going to be charity 5Ks for the people who died running our charity 5K. That’s pretty meta. But we’ll make sure to also be in charge of those 5Ks, so we keep increasing our proceeds.
-At the end of the “experience” the only thing you get is a blood stained t-shirt (whose blood? It really depends…). That may seem pretty lame, for all you have to go through. But think about it, that t-shirt will be more prestigious than a degree from Harvard. T-shirts will go for millions in online auctions. Wearing one in public would get you more recognition than winning an Oscar.
Is it all worth it? I don’t know, you tell me: do you want to find your body’s true limit? Are you not scared of death? Then yes. Run our race, and chase eternal glory.