A Guide to Living in Arizona

A Post By: Cody DiCavalcante

Arizona isn’t a place that you usually pick up and go to in the summer unless your ass is tanner than my face, or you are checking into a hotel room that is in the deep end of the swimming pool. Not all of Arizona is hot. Only the Central and Southern parts of Arizona are a Xerox of the sun. Let the record show that a Phoenix summer lasts about 2-3 months more than a standard American summer. By the time it’s custom to gather round the turkey and say side-stich blessings while little Johanna is snagging the Mountain Dew, it’s still hot enough to keep the Hampton Bay ceiling fan on high speed, and the plantation blinds narrowed towards the dog whose wiping it’s buttocks across that new carpet your wife knitted in Cape Cod.

  Desert life takes adaptation. You have to be willing to change certain things about who you are. It’s recommended that you change your diet, hydration levels and clothing choices, and if there’s room to transform into a wicker chair then by all means do it. A Phoenix summer consists of invisible fire, chills from looking at copper roofs, and a lot of time in the Air Conditioning Troubleshooting Program. Heavy amounts of electric shock have been administered to keep these youths up to date on their air conditioning units.
Other parts of Arizona are typically fine such as: Payson, Prescott, Sedona and Flagstaff. They are more welcoming to outdoor activities and less likely to introduce your throat to the sensation of choking on the flame from a hot air balloon. If you come to these places you won’t need liability insurance for your leg hair in case it drowns in your pores.
Things to remember if coming to Arizona:
1) Avoid Phoenix unless you want to create theories on individuals who wear sweatshirts in the summertime.
This picture is almost completely unrelated.
2) Don’t check under your armpits. The monster there is far worse than the one under your bed.
3) Cherish parts of Northern Arizona for soil that doesn’t attract heat-seeking missiles and overweight Greek men in need of steam cleaning.
4) If you leave a restaurant in Phoenix/Scottsdale, don’t take their mints. Take their misting devices that dangle over their awning.
Like Heaven, only better.
5) All dumpsters are preheated to 500 degrees Fahrenheit, so avoid dumpster diving.
“Well shoot…”
6) Last but not least, if visiting the Grand Canyon, don’t just experience the giant hole in the earth, but try to hone in on the foggy opaqueness of every language known to man being spoken by all the tourists that come from all over the world.
Thank you and Good Evening.
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