5 Excuses You Can Use to Skip Work for the Game

The US plays its first knock out round game tomorrow at 2:30pm. What type of nonsense is that? For the majority of us that have our lives together, that’s during the work day. I always thought soccer favored the unemployed. Here are 5 excuses you can choose from to skip work tomorrow. DO NOT, by any means, use all 5.

1. A spider bit me in the middle of the night, and the venom is necrotizing my flesh. The left side of my body is shutting down, and I’m drooling uncontrollably. Luckily, the _____ hospital has the right antivenom, so this should be completely and totally cleared up by Wednesday.

2. My neighbors are Belgian, and due to the impending soccer game, are surrounding my place of residence with torches and pitch forks. Although my French is rusty, I think they’re chanting “death to the American Pig”. I may not be able to make it in today.

“Protect our waffles!”

3. I had long suspected my neighbor of cooking meth, but last night I learned the truth. He was. Around 2am the wall in my living room exploded inward and an enormous fireball enveloped most of my furniture. It was 6am before I got all the small fires put out. What’s left of my neighbor is coating my kitchen walls. The shock alone may prevent me from coming into work until Wednesday.

4. Two days ago I bought a shirt at Hot Topic that had a depiction of the Prophet Muhammad on it. Anywho, word got down to me that an Iranian Ayatollah issued a Fatwa calling for my immediate death. Gonna spend Tuesday trying to find a security detail. Just go ahead and forward my emails to my personal email.

5. A violent group of feminists started rioting because of the recent HHS SCOTUS decision. My neighborhood is under martial law. I will do anything to protect my family and electronics. They somehow acquired flaming arrows. Will check in on Wednesday morning, will probably have to take Tuesday off.

Feel free to use whichever one you want.


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