Belgium vs. USA Preview

A Post By: Michael Gallo

For this game’s preview, we will be comparing the two soccer teams along with the actual countries.


Belgium won their group, destroyed their opponents, beat a team while they were a man down, and also have 0 players who were kicked in the face and/or had their hamstring roll up into their buttocks.

“Why does this school have grass on the ceiling?” – Clint Dempsey after taking a kick to the GD face.


Point: Belgium

-How likely you are to be murdered there:

America certainly has its issues, but Belgium is a country where sense and reason go to die. In Belgium, you can kill your 8 year old child if it has a headache. Again, I’m not saying America’s history is blood-free, but Belgium’s behavior borders on dystopic. In America, you really only need to be worried about someone going berserk in a public place. In Belgium, if you’re old, chances are every member of your family is plotting your medically induced death.

Point: America


‘Murica. This isn’t even a contest, no description necessary.

Point: America


America has awesome food like tacos, Chinese food, BBQ, Pad Thai, and Polish Delis. Belgium has waffles and crepes. And cigarettes. And cheese. Basically French food, which isn’t freedom.

Point: America


America has Tim Howard who is widely considered to be one of the top five goalies in the world. He also has reverse hair.

Note: the reverse hair.

Belgium has Thibaut Courtois, which just sounds stupid. Not to mention he got his start with a team called “Genk”. Gross.

Point: America

Final tally:

America – 4, Belgium – 1

Today, America shall triumph.



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