Belgium vs. USA Preview

A Post By: Michael Gallo

For this game’s preview, we will be comparing the two soccer teams along with the actual countries.

-Forwards:

Belgium won their group, destroyed their opponents, beat a team while they were a man down, and also have 0 players who were kicked in the face and/or had their hamstring roll up into their buttocks.

“Why does this school have grass on the ceiling?” – Clint Dempsey after taking a kick to the GD face.

 

Point: Belgium

-How likely you are to be murdered there:

America certainly has its issues, but Belgium is a country where sense and reason go to die. In Belgium, you can kill your 8 year old child if it has a headache. Again, I’m not saying America’s history is blood-free, but Belgium’s behavior borders on dystopic. In America, you really only need to be worried about someone going berserk in a public place. In Belgium, if you’re old, chances are every member of your family is plotting your medically induced death.

Point: America

-Freedom:

‘Murica. This isn’t even a contest, no description necessary.

Point: America

-Food:

America has awesome food like tacos, Chinese food, BBQ, Pad Thai, and Polish Delis. Belgium has waffles and crepes. And cigarettes. And cheese. Basically French food, which isn’t freedom.

Point: America

-Goalies:

America has Tim Howard who is widely considered to be one of the top five goalies in the world. He also has reverse hair.

Note: the reverse hair.

Belgium has Thibaut Courtois, which just sounds stupid. Not to mention he got his start with a team called “Genk”. Gross.

Point: America

Final tally:

America – 4, Belgium – 1

Today, America shall triumph.

 

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