A Post By: Michael Gallo
Being healthy seems very in vogue these days. Whether it’s eating gluten-free food, or installing a carbon monoxide detector like some wuss, being healthy is the new “in” thing. Following that trend, many employers are forcing their employees to quit smoking. Ignoring the fact that that’s the most fascist thing since fascism, I think it’s a great idea. Now employers can force their employees to be healthy, and spend less money on cigarettes
and more money on beer/whiskey/coke/meth/opium/Japanese Lizard Semen/rubber cement.
BL Reader: But quitting smoking is hard! How do you quit efficiently?
That’s a good question. With morons like CVS running around out there pretending to have the “answers” to “quitting” “smoking”, it’s a dangerous time to quit inhaling chemicals into your lungs. Smoking isn’t easy, and quitting is even more difficult. If you do it incorrectly, you could just flat out die instantly. Or spontaneously combust. Or both at the same damn time.
So follow this FREE and easy guide to quitting, and you’ll still die eventually. LIFE IS HOPELESS, DEATH IS THE GREAT EQUALIZER!
Here are the top ten ways to quit smoking:
1. Start chewing tobacco.
In high school, I once saw a friend of mine smoke a cigar with a dip in and a nicotine patch on his arm before sweating, saying “I hate myself”, and then going to “sleep”. I’m not sure how that’s relevant, but if you chew more tobacco, you’ll smoke less of it. That’s just science!
2. Use a Pocket Hookah
This is still technically smoking, but all the employers that are forcing their oppressive rules on their employees need to be ready for their employees to get creative. I once hit a pocket hookah 31 times in one subway ride and woke up in Connecticut. This small glass smoking device will let you get that gnarly buzz while still looking inconspicuous. Then the glass will get really hot and burn through your pants and girls will point and you may get arrested for indecent exposure. Wear two pairs of pants if you’re gonna do this one.
D. Try Meth
Tweaking is great way to not notice your cravings. When you’re grinding your teeth down to your jaw bone, you won’t even notice that little shoulder devil saying “go and smoke a cigarette!” You’ll just notice the shoulder angel who looks a lot like your deceased great grandmother, telling you to scrub the walls until the paint comes off.
4. Try Inhalants
BL Reader: Are all of these methods just going to be different drugs?
Maybe. What’s wrong with that? Employers want you to stop smoking, they NEVER said ANYTHING about you spraying paint into a sock and huffing it on the highway, or sucking down cans of duster in the office bathroom.
5. Turn to Exercise
One morning, loudly announce that you’ve succumbed to the fascism, and that you quit smoking. People will congratulate you, and pretend to know your name. Then, at 5 pm, put on a body leotard say “I’m going for a run” and run through a floor to ceiling window. Chances are, unless you’re a hardass, you’re gonna fall through the window and land in a pile of glass shards. Don’t panic, this is good. Stand up covered in your own blood and loudly say something like “do you see what you’re making me do??” Lick an open wound for effect.
6. Komodo Dragon Prostate
The prostate of the Komodo Dragon is an ancient Chinese remedy that’s proven to work. On what, I’m not really sure. I think addictions. But it’s also an aphrodisiac. It’s simple, just procure a Komodo Dragon prostate, pulverize it into a powder, and put a pinch deep into one of your nostrils.
Suck in through your nose until blood comes out of the other nostril. The powder will clog your sinuses and open up your mind. You won’t want a cigarette for a while.
7. Punish Yourself When You Have Cravings
Gather up all the people in your office that smoke, and force them to wear a battery electrode on one of their nipples throughout the entire day. Connect that to an old, faulty car battery and nickname the battery something like the Cackling Crackler, on account of the random sparking.
Next, whenever you want a cigarette, hook your other electrode up to something metal. Everyone hooked up to the battery will get a lethal dose of electricity. Wait…
There you have it: the most cost effective, and efficient ways to quit smoking. We encourage you to comment on this post, or email us with your smoking cessation success stories (#alliteration).