1. Is today the day my bionic, surgically reconstructed neck snaps?
Modern medicine is good, but not that good. I may only have a few hours of playing time left before the bone fusion snaps and sends pieces into my brain.
2. I guarantee Eli is doing some heavy mouth breathing right now.
3. Are my receivers really this open, or am I just this good?
And will Wes Welker even remember this game tomorrow morning?
4. I’m like Brett Favre but with more accuracy, and fewer dick pics.
5. Chicken Parm you taste so good.
7. I should finally visit Omaha.
But maybe not, because if someone yelling your city’s name can double as promotion for you, then you’re a pretty desperate city.
8. Papa John is a godless heathen, and I regret even meeting him.
9. Did I leave my stove on?
10. Why does my mouth taste like pennies?
But seriously, good hit Number fileven.
11. Why is it always blue gatorade?
I know for a fact orange Gatorade doesn’t cost more. And it tastes better. Everyone knows orange tastes better than blue. What is blue? Raspberry? Glacier Freeze? How is that a taste?
12. I wonder what this team’s medical tape budget is….
13. Why does my helmet leave such a heinous red mark on my head?