Hello Kitty, Goodbye Kitty: Mass Cat Executions in Vietnam

This may be the greatest news story to come out of 2015 or any other year ever.

Authorities in Vietnam didn’t know what to do with a couple hundred cats that were smuggled into the country via China, so they HIRED A DUMP TRUCK TO RUN THEM OVER!

This is incredible for a few reasons:

1) It proves government workers are the same every where. I worked for the government for one summer and it was the weirdest, laziest, authoritarian experience of my life. Government workers will do anything possible to prolong easy work, dodge additional tasks, or avoid being safe. And so it makes perfect sense that, when faced with the task of getting rid of a couple hundred cats, they chose dump truck. Which is #2:

2) Of the seemingly endless ways to get rid of a lot of cats, running them over with a dump truck seems pretty low on the list. Imagine this conversation:

Guy 1: What are we thinking, mallet to the head? Gun? Gun would be risky, right? What about fire?

Guy 2: No, fire is out. We don’t want flaming cats running into houses and what not.

Guy 1: Good point. It has to be clean, we don’t want to spread any potential diseases.

Guy 2: Ah, good point. Shit…what if we just keep them in their cages, I call my cousin who has this dump truck business and we just run over ALL OF THEM with the truck.

CAT SMASHER 3000!
CAT SMASHER 3000!

Guy 1: Works for me, call your cousin!

They decided to keep 100+ cats in their cages, and run over the cages with a DUMP TRUCK! Bending metal giving way to the crushing weight of the dump truck before exploding cat innards spray any unlucky onlookers. I get it, I really do. Opening every. Single. Cage and smashing every. Single. Cat with a hammer would be hard work. And it would take forever. And I bet your arm would get tired after only a few cats. But a dump truck? And you were worried about spreading diseases so you chose what I estimate to be the ONLY way that would spray cat insides all over the place? Imagine the other government worker getting covered in cat innards. “Sweet Jesus, you got me!” His friend apologizing from the cab of the dump truck as they run him over too. You can’t take chances with cat diseases.

Also, if I were a Vietnamese government worker, which I’m not, I would pause for a minute and think “alright Phang, there are lots of stereotypes about Vietnamese people and cats. Let’s play this both smart and safe…maybe I’ll just open the cages and let the cats go their own way. Nothing that will make the news.” But no. He smashed hundreds of cats with a dump truck.

3) I love the defense:

Government worker: You know, a lot of the cats were dead when they showed up.

Reporter: So you smashed the rest with a 5 ton truck?

Government worker: More or less, yeah.

4) Reports suggest the cats were most likely killed immediately after being intercepted. This suggests one of the following scenarios took place:

-The Vietnamese government keeps a running dump truck nearby to kill things.

-A dump truck diver got confused and accidentally ran over a shit ton of cats.

-It was a little bit of both.

5) People have tried to suggest humane alternatives to running things over with dump trucks until they explode.

But how do you compete with that?! I’d rev the engine while people suggested the alternative methods.

“Euthanasia? NAH BRAH, I’m gonna run over all of em with this here truck!”

6) Awesome combo suggestion:

American monster truck rallies + Vietnamese cat killing.

These would have to take place on international waters.

Kudos, Vietnam. You done did it.

 

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