SeppuKuma: The Japanese Suicide Bear

*The BL is aware this story is fake. However, being that this is totally believable, we’re leaving it up*

Japan can be a strange country that is sometimes a little hard to understand. With their unique culture, odd customs, and their garish/violent game shows, it can sometimes appear to be a country locked in an epic struggle to stay traditional, while also trying to be modern. What’s really weird about Japan though, is that for a country that is into some weird things, they are still very much obsessed with honor and shame. So much so, that Japan suffers from an incredibly high suicide rate. If you think I’m jumping to conclusions with that statement, you’re not wrong.

Leave it to the Japanese to find a cute/cartoonish/terrifying solution to that pesky dilemma.

Introducing the SeppuKuma, which is a 308 pound robot death bear designed to exterminate human life.

“Seppuku sounds familiar…”

Good catch! That’s the term used to describe how Samurais would commit ritual suicide with a sword.

If you’re not already scared, look at its face:


This bear is not here to comfort you. Rather, with true robot determination, it is here to end your sorry life.

The SeppuKuma is a freaky solution, to a creepy problem. With Japan’s rapidly-aging elderly citizens, and large numbers of people offing themselves in public and messy ways, the SeppuKuma is a “clean” way to kill droves of willing/unwilling people. The SeppuKuma is specifically designed for quality healthcare, with the ability to to carry up to 176 lbs, and negotiate tight spaces and doorways. It’s also specifically designed to kill human beings, with the ability to crush human bone, and suffocate people with helium. Think back to the last known group to kill large numbers of people with gas. Syria’s current regime? Good answer, we also would have accepted Suddam Hussein’s government, or the Nazis.

The SeppuKuma has 23 exciting, different ways to kill you. Here is a small sampling of the ways the suicide robot can send you into the great beyond:

Everlasting Sleep – a delightful way of describing lethal injection via robotic bear.

Pillow Kisses – The robot smothers you with a pillow. Weren’t these methods supposed to be clean and humane?

Peaceful Breath – the aforementioned helium asphyxiation.

and the most terrifying:

Sleepytime Hug – the robot literally strangles you to death until your pulse stops for a full 15 minutes (questions: built in timer? Requires nurse with stop clock?)

Leave it to the Japanese to find fun, catchy ways to describe being suffocated to death by a pillow.

Executives with the company say that the robot suicide bear is a great solution for people battling with either “shame or depression”. Shame? If you drop your lunch in front of your coworkers in Japan, you have to get killed by the robot suicide bear?

“Honey, the utilities company shut off our lights again, and the neighbors are in the street pointing.”

“Dammit…power up the Suicide Bear. Turn it on to…Pillow Kisses I guess, my mother will want an open casket.”

I leave you with a quote that sent a shiver up my spine:

“We hope to commercialize our suicide robot in the not too distant future.”

That’s a real quote. Sometimes reality and satire get too close, and blend together and you’re left with one of the most apocalyptic sounding sentences of the still-young 21st Century. That sounds like something out of a Terminator movie, except it’s real. Thank God people aren’t focusing on healthcare methods to care for large numbers of elderly citizens, and are instead focusing on ways to dispose of them like garbage. You don’t want people getting all sentimental.

If you find yourself in a hospital in critical condition, and a robot bear comes rolling in…I’d jump out the window and pray you survive the fall.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s