Relationships are difficult. Humans aren’t meant to be monogamous, we’re built to kill things with spears and sleep in caves. But with societal pressure to remain in a committed relationship and eventually get married, it’s a good idea to carefully navigate the complex world of dating and eventually settle down. However, it’s just as important to know when a relationship is failing and you need to get out. If you have ever experienced any of the following relationship foils, it may be time to call it quits.
1. She stabs you during arguments and instead of taking you to the hospital, you wake up in your bed with your wound crudely sewn shut, and your bae sitting in a chair next to the bed watching you.
2. He signs you up to appear in creepy #UpForWhatever Bud Light ads that call for you to ingest mystery liquids and play complex, over-sized video games while a crowd cheers. When you don’t remember anything from the next three days, you regret signing the waiver.
3. She constantly tries to hit you with her car and broadcasts the whole thing over the live-streaming app Periscope. More confusing than her bloodlust is the apparent popularity of her streams, which sometimes attract upwards to 5,000 viewers.
4. On more than one occasion, your significant other has used your identity in complex cat-fishing schemes to lure West African warlords to your place of residence. The exchange of currency, and cat-fishing reveal rarely goes as planned and the machete marks in the sheet rock make almost damn certain you’re not getting your deposit back.
5. You’re annoyed he won’t answer texts or phone calls, and then you find out he’s the leader of an Algerian terrorist cell, hell-bent on the destruction of the Western world. This makes his refusal to celebrate spring break in Vegas all the more relevant. It also lends credence to your theory that the guest bedroom bed is fake and housing scud missiles purchased from the Russians.
Again, if you’ve experienced any of these, get out. Now.