5 New Features in the FIFA 16 Video Game

Realizing the end is nigh, FIFA officials decided to leak some new features from FIFA 16, the latest installment of the wildly popular soccer video game. Here are 5 of them:

1. Female Players

For the first time ever, FIFA decided to recognize females as people. Players will have to negotiate the female’s tricky emotions, “that time of the month”, and their inability to “put any umph on that shot”.

2. A Chance to Exploit Africa for Its Resources

Since the Dutch started the slave trade, white people have had a long and storied history with exploiting the African continent for its resources. And trust me, Sepp Blatter is no slouch. The man built football facilities all over Africa knowing that the construction would guarantee him a corrupt and coerced vote come election time. Players will be able to choose from several online games where one must convince the African continent that they actually care about them, instead of their vote when the shit hits the fan.

3. New Outcomes for Wins and Losses

If you win a tough game in FIFA 16, you get to line your pockets with Russian money. Lose? You have to build stadiums for the 2034 FIFA world cup. Say goodbye to your family.

4. Devastating Added Time

If you don’t tie the game or win in added time, your avatar will be forced to play a soccer game in a harsh and unrelenting desert environment that isn’t suitable for human life, let alone a friggen soccer game.

A FIFA 16 player dodging a collapsing Nepalese migrant worker.

5. Fun Mini-Games

One of which includes figuring out ways to clean up the blood of migrant workers, and another where you have to hide the bodies when those pesky human rights inspectors come around.

“We’re gonna have to see these worker’s papers.”

“Do you take Russian money?”

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