WWII: Helping Russian Squirrel Murderers

A Post By: Michael Gallo

Twitter is my main source of news. I have carefully curated who I follow to create a constant flow of updates, breaking news, and current events. My Twitter is perfectly suited for making me constantly depressed. But sometimes, between tweets about terrorists attacks and police killings, you get gems like this:

Russian court reprieves teen for squirrel killing due to allied victory amnesty

Wait, what?

According to the Guardian, a Russian teen (why’s it always Russia?) was walking through a park when out of nowhere, a squirrel attacked him. Finding himself in dire straights, the teen defended himself, and tragically, the squirrels short life was cut shorter. But this is where an already bizarre story gets weirder. The teen was the son of a Russian judge, who granted him “amnesty in honor of the allied victory in the second world war.” Yes, this anti-squirrel teen was spared prison time because of the heroic efforts of the Allied Forces in WWII, which ended a cool 70 years, and was in no way fought to protect squirrel murderers.

Originally, the Russian teen was given a year in prison for animal cruelty. A year in prison for killing a squirrel seems harsh, especially as an American, where our cops get a slap on the wrist for killing a human.

Let’s break this down a little more:

Vlad, the Russian teen, was feeding the squirrel (presumably from his hand? Maybe tossing the food towards the squirrel?) when it bit him, and “was about to attack him”. How exactly does a squirrel look poised to attack? Did it draw a knife? Did it assume a sort of “karate” stance? At what point do you convince yourself: this squirrel is about to assault me. I should shoot it.

“You feeling lucky, punk?”
Which is what Vlad did. He shot the squirrel dead on the spot. The accuracy involved with shooting a squirrel is mind-boggling. For starters they’re incredibly spastic creatures, jumping about with tics and wildly unpredictable movements. However, the court documents don’t tell us how many shots he got off. I suppose I could also shoot a squirrel if I emptied a clip in its general direction. However, the feat remains impressive.

Perhaps the best part is that witnesses completely reject Vlad’s telling of the event, which implies instead that him and his friends were harassing the poor creature and the torture ended with the squirrels death by gunshot. The case has proven to be controversial because apparently, “squirrels are not known to attack people” in this particular area of Russia. Which of course means a squirrel can NEVER attack someone in Russia. But who are we to believe? Reliable eye witnesses? Or an entitled Russian teen who’s the son of a prominent judge and just got out of prison time because of the Allied Forces victory in WWII? We may never know.


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